


Scene Three, Take Two

by folerdetdufoler



Category: SKAM (TV)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Future Fic, M/M, My First Fanfic, Post-Break Up, Post-Canon, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-05
Updated: 2017-04-17
Packaged: 2018-09-28 10:46:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 18
Words: 31,390
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10094264
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/folerdetdufoler/pseuds/folerdetdufoler
Summary: Isak is 23, a student in the veterinary program at NMBU, and working an internship at a clinic in Kongsvinger. He hasn't seen Even in three years, but randomly bumps into him on the street when he's visiting his mom in Oslo.





	1. One

**Author's Note:**

> Baby's first fanfic. I've never been to Norway so if anything about locations/lifestyle/dialogue sounds strange or is simply incorrect, please let me know!
> 
> Thanks for reading!

Isak loved being back in Oslo and spending time with his mother, but his patience was wearing thin with the holidays. This was the second day of his break that he’d spent shopping and he still couldn’t find the perfect gift for her. He paused on the sidewalk to check the time on his phone and decided he would visit one more shop before heading home. If he couldn’t find anything there he’d order something online and see if he could get it shipped quickly. He shifted his bags to the other hand and was about to enter the shop when he heard his name: “Isak?”

Sonja walked out from the dark interior, arms loaded down with bags as well. “I can’t believe it’s you! I haven’t seen you in forever!”

“H-Hei. Sonja.” Her hair was longer now, and she was bundled up against the cold, but she still looked stunning. Isak moved off to the side and set down his bags, then leaned in for a polite hug. Of all the people he was expecting to bump into while he was visiting, he didn’t think the first one would be Sonja. Not that he was disappointed by seeing her, but he thought she traveled a lot for work and maybe didn’t even live in Oslo anymore. Of course now that he thought about it some more, he wasn’t sure if any of that was true. It had been a while since he looked at her facebook profile. 

“Are you back in Oslo?”

“No, just home with my mom for Christmas. I have another year to go with my program and uh, right now I’m staying in Kongsvinger for my internship.”

“Ah, well that’s nice of you to spend time with her. Hey, are you really busy while you’re here? We have to run, but we should have dinner one night and catch up.” Sonja took off her mittens and pulled out her phone. “I think I still have your number….”

Isak was about to recite it when a shadow moving behind Sonja made him look up. Someone else was leaving the shop, and as the man turned into the late afternoon sunlight, Isak’s jaw dropped. It was Even.

Sonja looked up and followed Isak’s stare over her shoulder. “Even! Look who I found!” Even was smiling at her but couldn’t see exactly who Sonja was with; he brought his hand up to his forehead to shield his eyes, and then Isak came into focus. 

No one moved. Well, Sonja moved, looking at Isak and then Even, not sure why either of them were saying anything. “Um…you remember who—“

“O-of course I remember. Isak.” Even took a few steps closer to Isak and kissed him lightly on the cheek. “Hallo.”

Isak took the moment to recover, watching Even as he moved back, still not really believing he was standing right there. “Hei.”

Even was dressed in layers against the cold as well, in a long anorak with a scarf wrapped up high around his neck. His face was already pinched red, the tip of his nose, the apples of his cheeks, and his ears. Isak felt the urge to reach over and warm them with his hands, an urge that confused him and made him wrinkle his brow. He looked down.

“Find anything good?” Even asked, giving a nod to the bags on the ground.

“Uh, some things. Still can’t find anything for my mom. But we still have a few days, right?” Isak let out a nervous laugh before a silence fell between them. “H-how was this place?”

“It has some nice stuff but I don’t think there was anything that would be a proper fit your mom. Sonja found a bunch of fun things for her coworkers.” Isak nodded along but wasn’t really listening. Who could really give a shit about Christmas gifts when it's been three years and your ex-boyfriend is standing in front of you with his ex-girlfriend? A million questions were running through his head but he couldn’t think fast enough to actually ask one.

Even’s eyes glinted in the setting sun, as if he knew that wasn’t the question Isak wanted answered either.

“Speaking of, we really need to run. I need to wrap these and then we’re going to my office’s party tonight.” Sonja had put her mittens back on and was rustling her bags. “Isak, text me okay? I couldn’t find your number.”

“Oh, I don’t have—” he tried to explain as Sonja started walking away, but was cut short when Even grabbed his phone from his hand.

“He doesn’t even have me in here!” Even shouted at Sonja in mock outrage.

“Well fix it and let’s go, I can’t be late.”

Even tapped quickly and handed the phone back to Isak. “You’re in trouble for that. Text me.” He gave Isak’s arm a soft punch before jogging after Sonja. Isak turned to watch them go, still not quite believing what just happened.

First Sonja, then Even. Was Mahdi going to come out of the store next? He had barely gotten over the shock of seeing Sonja when that first realization of Even nearly knocked him sideways. Of course Isak knew that Even still lived in the city. Of course he knew how likely it was he’d run into him, especially during the holidays when everyone is out and about. It made sense that he was with Sonja, because they were still friends after graduation. He knew that seeing them on the street wasn’t actually strange.

What he didn’t know was how he’d react. How he’d stare a little longer than was polite, how he’d take in Even’s eyes, his smile, his hair, before bothering to think about saying words or breathing. How his own cheek was on fire where Even’s lips touched, how his heart wouldn’t slow down even after they had turned the corner and were out of sight.

How he felt like he was going to faint when he finally looked at his phone.

Even Kosegruppa.


	2. Two

The text message was burning a hole in Isak’s pocket. His right leg bounced nervously under the table. Marianne put down her fork. “Okay Isak, what’s going on?” He looked up at his mother.

“Nothing! Nothing.”

“You’re…you’re all tense, the way you get before a test. Your term is over, right?”

“Yes. It’s not school. I’m just…trying to figure out my plans.” Marianne narrowed her eyes. She hadn’t seen Isak this nervous in a long time, especially on holiday.

“For tonight?”

“Tonight. Tomorrow. Next year, I don’t know. Yes.” Isak moved the fish around on his plate.

“Have you been in touch with any of your friends here? Maybe you should hang out with them for a bit, get out of the house.”

“I was out all day today!”

“You went shopping by yourself. I mean go…go party it up with people.” Marianne could tell how awkward the command sounded coming from her and she started to laugh at herself, which made Isak relax and give a small smile.

“You know I love having you back here Isak but I don’t want you to get so stressed out about it. If…if you want to go back to Kongsvinger before—”

“No Mamma, it’s not this. I love being home, spending time with you. I just…” Unable to find the words, Isak pulled his phone out of his pocket and pulled up Even’s text again. “Even texted me.”

Marianne remembered Even. He was the only one she actually met, a tall boy who couldn’t keep his eyes off of her son. She knew they were together for a while, but she also knew that Isak broke up with him when he was at university, and she hadn’t heard about him since. She hadn’t pried then and didn’t want to now, but this communication clearly meant something. She proceeded cautiously. “What did he say?”

“He invited me over for dinner tomorrow.”

“That’s…nice. Does he still live in the city?” Marianne tried to keep the questions neutral.

“Um, yes. He has an apartment somewhere, I think. I saw him while I was shopping today.”

“Ah. Well, we don’t have anything special planned for tomorrow so don’t let me stop you if you want to go. Is he on holiday too?”

He had resisted until now, but Isak used his mother’s curiosity as an excuse to look up Even’s profile. “I think he’s just working.” Tapping around, he realized he must have muted his feed a while ago. “At an advertising agency.”

“Interesting! I wonder if we’ve seen any of his work.”

“I didn’t think that he’d be into that kind of thing,” Isak said, more to himself than his mother, as he scrolled some more. There were photos of Even in an apartment that wasn’t his parents’, but he couldn’t tell much else. Sonja was there too.

“So…is this invitation what’s stressing you out?”

“A bit.” Isak clicked off his screen and tossed the phone onto the table. He had gone pretty far back and didn’t want to tap something accidentally. Besides, he’d seen enough. “I just haven’t talked to him in a very long time, and then I see him today and he invites me over and…I don’t know what I’m supposed to do.” He stared at his phone. “And now I’ve waited too long to respond.”

“I know it’s been a while since I’ve dealt with an ex…”—Marianne winked when Isak looked up—“but I think you could just treat it like dinner with just another coworker. Whenever your father and I have dinner we’re just catching up on life, you know? We have a very big history but we don’t have to focus on it completely. You are two different people now.”

Isak nodded slowly. That all made sense to him, and that was certainly the intention of Even’s invitation. They hadn’t seen each other in years, so there was quite a bit to catch up on. Just a casual dinner between friends.

“And who cares if you take five minutes or five hours to respond?”

“Mamma, you _call_ me if I don’t reply to your texts within 30 seconds. Sometimes I worry you’ll just show up at the clinic whenever my phone dies.”

“That’s because you’re my baby. Now just text Even that you’ll be there and ask him what you should bring. I might have some wine lying around.” Marianne stood up to clear her plate and search for wine.

Isak took a deep breath and opened the text, before he got all worked up again.

His phone was halfway back into his pocket when Even answered.

Isak opened the map up on Sofienberg and started tapping around, before a crash from the kitchen distracted him.

“Mamma, I don’t need to bring anything! You can stop looking.”

Marianne came back to the table and placed a slightly dusty bottle in front of Isak, clucking her tongue. “My boy, have I not taught you any manners? Never show up empty-handed. Finish your dinner. I’m going to make tea.”

Isak looked back at his phone, closing the map and staring at the text again. A bubble popped up for a few seconds and then disappeared, but Isak quickly decided it was a mistake. He turned off his phone before he started to make one too. He focused very hard on eating the rest of his fish and reading the label on the wine bottle, anything to avoid wondering what, exactly, Even meant by “we.”


	3. Three

When the elevator doors opened onto the 4th floor, Isak immediately pushed the lobby button, repeatedly. “Close. Down. Go,” he muttered at the wall. This was a stupid idea.

His mother had practically pushed him out the door, shoving the bottle of wine into his arms and a beanie onto his head. “I know you just spent two hours on your hair but that is no excuse to catch a cold.” His anxiety had built as he got closer and closer to Even’s, finally overwhelming him in the elevator. As he descended, he started typing an excuse into a text.

When the doors opened again, three young children rushed into the elevator before Isak could get out. Two women followed them, shouting at the children and apologizing to Isak at the same time. One of the children pressed the button for each floor, and the doors closed.

“I’d ask you which floor you needed but it looks like we’re going to all of them. Sorry.”

“It’s okay. I’m…not in a hurry.” 

Isak pressed himself against the back wall and sighed. This was a sign. Isak put his phone away.

The children got out on the 3rd floor, and when the doors opened again on the 4th floor, Isak stepped off. He found Even’s apartment, knocked three times, and waited. No turning back now.

And then for the second time in two days, Isak was standing in front of Sonja. He managed to hide his shock a bit better this time. “Hello, Isak. Come in, come in. Shoes, please.”

Sonja ushered Isak in and pointed to the cubby space where Isak could kick off his shoes. He recognized Even’s old trainers lined up next to many pairs of nice dress shoes. He took a small comfort in confirming that he was at Even’s place, and not inadvertently stalking Sonja across the city.

“I brought some uh, questionable wine.”

“You shouldn’t have, but thank you. That’s my favorite kind.” Sonja took the bottle and led Isak into the kitchen. Two people that Isak didn’t recognize were sitting at a table set for five, and Even was hunched over in the fridge. They were all dressed quite nicely but were relaxed, as if they had just come home from work. “Thomas, Lise, this is Isak, an old friend from high school.”

Isak walked over to shake their hands. He could hear Even grumbling behind him. Thomas pulled out a chair for Isak and Lise poured a new glass of wine. “High school, huh? What year were you at Bakka?” Thomas asked, sitting back down.

“Ah, I went to Nissen. ’99. I met Even when he transferred.”

“Well that explains it! When Sonja mentioned your name yesterday I couldn’t remember who you were. Now I know I’m not losing my mind.”

“And you were at Bakka with them?”

“I was in Sonja’s year but Lise is a friend from work. We all have dinner together once a week to talk about our shitty jobs and enjoy Even’s cooking.” As if on cue, Even cursed and shut the door to the fridge. Sonja sat down with the now opened bottle Isak had brought, but turned around immediately.

“Did you leave it out? Look, it’s over there on the counter.” Even spotted the cheese and carried it over to the stove, shaking his head. Sonja poured herself a glass. “Yes, every Wednesday we sit here and get fantastically drunk on cheap wine and good food. I’d offer you a standing invitation but next week we’re on holiday and then I’m assuming you’re going back to school.”

“What do you study, Isak?” This was the first time he heard Lise’s voice, and he was struck by how high-pitched it was.

“I’m in the veterinary program at NMBU but I’m doing an internship at a clinic in Kongsvinger.”

“Ah, do you get to play with dogs all day?” Lise’s voice got even higher in her excitement. Isak laughed.

“I wish! There’s a lot more biting than playing. And cleaning. But it’s fun and I’m learning a lot.”

“So you live in Kongsvinger? Is it nice?”

“Yeah, I share an apartment with another student. It’s nice but small. Quite different from Oslo. Quieter.”

“I don’t think I could ever live outside the city. Everything is here.”

“What Lise means is she could never live that far away from a karaoke bar,” Even chimed in over his shoulder. Lise spun around in her chair and flipped him off.

“Please note, Isak, that Lise did not deny this fact.” Thomas joined in, earning him a middle finger as well.

“Oh you know they’re just teasing because neither of them can sing as well as Lise. I’ve always thought she should be singing professionally instead of stuck at the office with me.”

“Thank you, Sonja. Someday I’ll get up the nerve to go on one of those talent shows, the little secretary from Oslo, and blow everyone away. Until then I will drag everyone to a karaoke bar each weekend.”

“Okay but the point of karaoke is to be shit at singing and drunk enough not to care. You, dear Lise, are neither.” Even had carried over a platter of lamb and set it in the middle of the table, patting Lise on the shoulder as he moved around her. He pulled Isak’s beanie off of his head and took his seat next to Sonja. Isak tried to subtly fix his hair while everyone started serving themselves. “Chill, it’s fine. Don’t forget this later.” Even tossed the hat through the door to the living room. Isak blushed. Even noticing him fixing his hair was somehow worse than Even noticing his hair sticking up in weird places.

“Anyway, because Christmas is on Friday Lise won’t have her weekly karaoke session, and we’re all a bit concerned about how she’ll survive.”

“Maybe you could go to a church and sing. I’m sure Baby Jesus would love to listen to you. And they have plenty of wine.” Isak chuckled and raised his glass in a mock toast, but noticed that everyone else was just staring at him. A joke about religion to a bunch of strangers wasn’t the best move, but Isak’s nerves had gotten the best of him. He was about to mumble out an apology when Even started laughing. Isak looked at Lise and saw her smiling, then heard Sonja and Thomas laughing too. Still not sure if he was reading the room right, he looked at Even.

Even was smiling, his eyes crinkled and sparkling. “You haven’t changed a bit.”

* * *

Three hours and four bottles later, all five of them were draped across the couch and chairs in the living room. Lise was singing softly to herself.

“I meant to say this when I first arrived, but you have a very nice apartment.” Isak let his head fall back on the couch. “High ceilings.”

“That’s what you get when you live with a giraffe.” Isak laughed and Even pulled the small pillow from behind his back, chucking it at Sonja. “Please Even! My wine!”

“I believe you meant to say ‘Thank you Even for letting me live with you in this nice apartment, and for cooking me such wonderful food all of the time.’”

Sonja smiled warmly. “Yes, of course that is what I meant.”

Even turned to Isak. “We’ve been here for about a year now I think. It’s close to her office and I can get down to Kongens gate pretty fast too. The fireplace works and the neighbors are nice.”

“I call dibs once Even gives Sonja the boot.” Thomas said, in a bit of a shout. Sonja picked up the pillow and tossed it at him.

“You couldn’t afford it even if I did leave.”

“Neither can you! I know how much you pay.”

While Thomas and Sonja continued to exchange jabs, Lise reached her arm out and grabbed Isak’s hand where it was resting on the edge of the couch. In a slight singsong whisper, she said, “I just want you to know that I am a strong independent woman who does not need Even to feed her or help her pay rent.”

Isak started laughing and looked back at Even, unsure how to respond. Even just rolled his eyes, knowing that his friends have been lost to the wine.

“I’m just here to support Sonja.” Lise patted Isak’s hand and curled back up into her chair.

“Can we please talk about something else?” Sonja stood up and grabbed the bottle from the coffee table. “Isak, do you hang out with normal people at school?” she asked, shooting a look at Thomas.

“Hah, I guess. Mostly I’m working or running. But I go to the pub on the weekends with some people from the clinic. No karaoke though.” Lise let out a sigh.

“You run?”

“Yeah, there’s a great path along the water, and it really helps me clear my mind when I’m having a tough time at the clinic. All that death…and stuff. I like how it lets me feel human again.” Isak could feel Even’s eyes on him, even as Sonja continued to ask him about life outside of Oslo. For some reason sharing the details about school felt like he was revealing secrets he’d been keeping all of these years, and he started to feel guilty just sitting there. The more he wanted to look at Even, the more he couldn’t bear to.

All of a sudden Even pushed himself up off the couch, grabbing the empty bottles from the table and striding back into the kitchen. In a stage whisper, Sonja said, “He likes to cut us off.”

“Maybe that’s my cue to leave then.”

“No no, he just wants to make sure we can get to work tomorrow morning. If you want more to drink you should help yourself to whatever we have in the kitchen.” Sonja tipped her glass back to finish her wine. “I’m going to change out of this dress really quick though.”

Lise was singing quietly again, and Thomas was scrolling on his phone. This was the perfect moment for Isak to excuse himself and talk privately with Even, but he wasn’t sure what he wanted to say. Or if he had anything to say at all. It was a great dinner, and Isak now felt comfortable with Even’s friends, but something still seemed…off. For all of his anxiety about the evening, perhaps the fact that it went so well was what was bothering him. Except, isn’t this what he wanted? Isak tipped his own glass back and then stood up. He could at least say thank you.

In the kitchen Even was scrubbing the pots in the sink, hunched over the counter. He had untucked his button down shirt and rolled up the sleeves, but water was still getting everywhere. When he turned to rest a clean pot on the drying rack, he noticed Isak standing in the doorway. “This is always the worst part.”

“L-leaving?” Isak blurted out, afraid that Even had just read his mind.

“No, the dishes. Though leaving sucks too. Are you…?”

“Um, yeah, I think so. It’s getting late, and I didn’t check the tram schedule.”

“Screw the tram. I’ll get you an Uber.” Even wiped his hands on his pants and leaned to grab his phone from the edge of the counter.

“Oh no, you really don’t have to do that. I can get the schedule really easy.” Isak pulled his own phone out and started searching, but then Even walked over and grabbed it out of his hands. “Even. You have _got_ to stop doing that.”

“Doing what? Car will be here in ten minutes.”

“Taking my phone. I can get myself home you know.” Isak lunged for his phone but Even stepped back to the counter, out of reach.

“I invited you to dinner and now I’m making sure you get home safe. Speaking of your phone…why do I still have your number but you didn’t have mine? I told you you’d get in trouble for that.”

“I don’t know. When my old one broke I got a new one and didn’t transfer all of the numbers. I don’t have Sonja’s number either.” He waited a moment while Even judged his excuse. “Can I please have my phone back?” Isak held out his hand, but stayed on his side of the kitchen. Even stared at him for a solid minute, and Isak could tell he was trying to figure out what to say. When he finally spoke, it was almost in a whisper, all of the teasing in his voice gone.

“I know we didn’t talk much toward…toward the end. But I have to admit, it hurt that I had to put myself back in.” He waved the phone, then moved forward and offered it to Isak.

“Yeah, well…yesterday was the first time you contacted me in what, three years? So maybe you’re not the only one who gets to feel hurt by a stupid phone right now.” Their voices were low but tight, the tension in their jaws radiating across the room at each other.

“Is that why you’ve been weird all night?”

“Me? Weird? Are you kidding me? I’ve been fine! Maybe a little nervous because I just met your friends and oh yeah, you live with _Sonja_ now.” He spit out her name with unexpected resentment, then threw his hands in the air, annoyed with his reaction. “Fuck. Look, I’m fine. The food was great, your friends are fun, this all was very nice. Thank you.”

Even knew what Isak was doing, but dropped it. “You’re welcome.”

“And thank you…for the car.”

Even looked at his phone. “I’ll walk you out.”

They both moved into the living room, where Isak said goodnight to Thomas and Lise, promising to hang out again soon. Sonja caught them in the hallway, sending him off with the same sentiment. “Seriously, whenever you’re back in the city, just come over. The high ceilings miss you already.” She kissed him on the cheek then padded back to her room. Isak and Even put on their shoes in silence.

In the elevator Even spoke first. “How much longer are you here for?”

“I go back Sunday. Clinic is actually pretty busy this time of year because we’re boarding a lot more during the holidays.”

“I know this break is supposed to be time spent with your family, but are you busy tomorrow night? I think…we need to talk more. Just us.”

Isak didn’t respond right away, taken aback by Even’s straightforward request, something he wanted too but didn’t know that enough to ask for it. The elevator doors opened and they walked out to the street. A red sedan was waiting.

“I don’t know,” he finally spit out.

“You don’t know if you’re busy?”

“I don’t know if we need to talk more.” Isak moved toward the car.

“Wh—…was I the only one in the kitchen up there? What the fuck was that if not the beginning of a very important conversation? Hey. Are you just going to walk away?” Isak had opened the door, unable to look at Even.

“I have to go.”

“We have to talk.”

The driver’s music floated up into the night. Isak couldn’t say anything else, and as Even realized this, his face fell.

“Text me when you get home safe. Say hi to your mom for me.”

Isak slid into the back seat and Even shut the door behind him.


	4. Four

Fuck wine. Fuck that wine in particular. Isak had thought it would be nice to let go a bit, have some fun on holiday, but the wine, the whole night, ended up leaving him with a bad taste in his mouth and emotions he didn’t want. Determined not to think about Even or why he got so angry, he decided to make a proper plan for the day. Isak turned over to his other side, the frame of his old bed squeaking under the movement, and reached for his phone.

10:13. If he were back in Kongsvinger he’d be at the clinic by now, maybe doing intake on new pets or cleaning out the files with Ingrid. Most of the staff hated the paperwork but it gave Isak a chance to read up on old cases, as well as talk to Ingrid. As one of Dr. Lunde’s first hires, Ingrid had been at the clinic for years and seemed to know everything and everyone, so he’s learned a lot from her over the past few months. He sent her a quick text to say good morning and ask her how Loki was doing after surgery. He finished the half-empty bottle of water on his nightstand, cursing the wine again. And then it was time to get out of bed.

Isak didn’t think to bring any of his athletic clothes home but all he wanted to do today was clear his head and keep it that way. A run was in order. He dug through his closet to see if there was anything comfortable and not too horrible looking for the city streets.

His mother knocked. “Isak are you awake?”

“Ja Mamma. Do I have any clothes in the laundry?” he called out through the door.

“I’ll look. Are you going out?”

“For a run.” He heard her walk away, and then his phone pinged from his bed. He pulled out an old hoodie and shorts but knew that wouldn’t cut it unless he went to the track at the gym. He flopped back onto his bed and opened his phone, excited to hear about Loki.

It turns out not thinking about Even lasted about ten minutes. Isak debated completely ignoring the message and just buying a new hat but figured that was too petty. Besides, then Even would think he won. He’d know he’d gotten under Isak’s skin, _and_ he’d still have his beanie. Isak had to be strategic about this. Maybe a little taste of his own medicine? He couldn’t make a boyfriend out of thin air, but he could hint at one.

Isak watched a bubble appear and disappear.

Isak’s mother knocked and then opened his door a wedge, wordlessly tossing a pair of track pants that Isak outgrew years ago onto the other end of his bed. He didn’t know whether he was angry that his plan failed or upset that Even would now see him in a really bad running outfit. He decided he was both and stood up to get dressed.

* * *

Twenty minutes into his run and Isak had finally hit his stride. It was strange navigating the sidewalks but he had a good pace going and it gave him something to focus on. He puffed out clouds into the cold air and let his rap playlist push him forward with each beat.

_I'm suited up in street clothes, hand me a 9 and I'll defeat foes_

When Isak was a couple of blocks away from Even’s office he sent a five-minute warning.

Rounding the last corner, Isak slowed to a jog to start his cool down, and to make Even wait a bit longer. This was going to be a polite and quick exchange: one hat, no lunch, and a nice run back to the house. Isak felt confident and had his feelings in check.

Until, of course, he saw him.

Isak stopped; his legs simply wouldn’t move anymore. Everything else stopped too: the music in his ears, the world around him, time. There was just his heartbeat…and Even.

Even, who finally saw Isak standing there and laughed, a deep boom that flew up the street and hit Isak in a wave. Even, with his hair lightly tousled in the wind; Even, out in the cold without a jacket; Even, the man Isak has been trying to forget about for the past three years. Even, who was walking toward him, closing the distance in seconds.

“Please tell me you’re not going on your date dressed like that.”

Isak hated his smile and the way it left him speechless. All he could do was remove his earbuds and hold out his hand.

“Fuck Isak, are you really doing this? You’re really not talking to me?” Even’s voice was still light, he was still smiling, but there was worry in his eyes. His arm reached back and pulled the beanie out of his pocket, twisting it around in his hands. “I thought…” 

“What.”

“Jesus, of course not.” Even thrust the warm hat back at Isak and then ran both of his hands through his hair in frustration. “I thought you had left it there on purpose, so we’d have a silly excuse to see each other again.”

Isak wanted to laugh, a cold bark cutting through the air. He wanted to throw that idea back in Even’s face and make him feel ridiculous. He wanted Even to know what it felt like to get one’s hopes up and then have them crushed, just like his were last night. Because that’s what he was realizing now: he had been so anxious about seeing Even because he had been hopeful, hopeful that there was still…something.

But he couldn’t. Just a quiet “Nei.”

Even’s shoulders dropped. “Of course of course of course.” He took a deep breath and looked around, exhaling a cloud off to the side.

“Look, I have to get back inside before I freeze. You have your, uh, date. But we are going to talk before you go back to school because this is…this is ridiculous Isak. You know that, right? It’s been three years and we’re right back on that edge again, and we just…we need to figure out what this is going to be.” 

Isak put on his beanie, stalling for time. What he thought was going to be a simple exchange and bit of closure just made things worse. Despite the revenge fantasies that ran through his head since the night before, he still hated seeing Even so hurt, and hated that it was his fault. So rather than let his pride and anger push him away again, Isak decided to let him in.

“Fine."

Even’s eyes lit up, oh so slightly. “I’ll text you when I’m done here. Might get out early for Christmas.” With a little hop, Even spun around and ran back to his building. Isak watched him go, feeling oddly comforted by his excitement. When he turned to head back he caught his reflection in a storefront window and saw that he was smiling.

He was going to need a different playlist for the run home.


	5. Five

When Isak walked into Kaffebrenneriet his eyes automatically went to the counter in the window where they usually sat. It was empty, and a quick glance around the rest of the café assured Isak that he was the first to arrive. He thought about sitting somewhere else, to keep his distance from…everything, but then thought it would be too obvious what he was avoiding. But he also didn’t want to give Even the wrong impression if he saw him sitting there. He rolled his eyes at himself for overthinking it all, then took off his jacket and draped it over the back of the stool.

As he was sitting down, he spotted Even out on the street walking toward the café. He was talking with another guy, his arms waving a bit as he told a story, and they stopped before crossing the intersection. Isak watched intently. The other guy said something that made Even throw his head back, and even though Isak couldn’t hear them through the window, he could swear he still heard Even’s laughter ring out. He had forgotten how much he liked seeing him laugh. Even pointed at the café and hugged the guy, and they went their separate ways.

Once inside, Even walked straight over to Isak and started pulling off his layers. “I’m getting coffee. Your usual?” Isak nodded and Even went up to the counter. While he was ordering, Isak looked at Even’s scarf, long and maroon and…his? Isak quickly unwound it from the jacket. Yes, it was his, pilling from years of use and with the missing fringe on one end. He thought he had left it at university but it turns out Even had it this whole time.

Even came back with their drinks, sliding the tea over to Isak before sitting down. “So how much of my closet do you still have at your place?” Isak held up the scarf.

“What do you mean? That’s mine.” Isak’s eyes went wide in disbelief.

“Nei! My dad got this for me for Christmas when I was 16. I thought I lost it, but you’ve been wearing it all these years!”

“Isak please. I gave everything I had back to you that summer. You came over and we sorted everything.”

Isak remembered that day. He was back from school on summer break, and Even asked him to meet him at his parents’ to pick up some things he had left behind. After two and a half years they had slept over at each other’s places so often that a majority of their clothing had migrated. They traded bags of clothes and hats, talked awkwardly about Even’s latest film project, and then hugged goodbye. It was such a cold and final exchange that Isak didn’t even cry about it until later that night, alone in his dark room.

He pushed the scarf back across the counter. “Whatever. You can have it.”

“Your hat. My scarf.” Even pointed at Isak’s beanie and then wrapped the scarf back around his neck. “We’re even.” 

Isak took a sip of his tea. “It’s not a game you know,” he said quietly.

He heard Even snort. “Oh it’s not? Because I definitely thought this was. I’ve been having so much fun trying to get you to talk to me.” The sarcasm made Isak shoot him a look.

“What do you want me to say?”

“What do _you_ want to say? Why are you so pissed at me? Why, after all this time, are you so…so…grumpy?!” Even balled his fists and shook them in frustration. “It was so nice seeing you in person on Wednesday but right from the start you gave me such a weird look. And then…” He trailed off and looked around the café, as if what he was trying to say was waiting over in another corner.

“Look. I know we agreed that we weren’t working out. You being down at school in Ås and me trying to get my life together up here…it was fucking tough and we were drifting apart. But we could still be friends! We have our phones and the internet and you’re never really that far away from the city. I never want to pressure you into something you don’t want, but like, just saying hi every once in a while seems like a reasonable expectation for someone you were in love with.”

They looked at each other, both waiting.

“So when you didn’t have my number and you showed up at my apartment looking like you’d rather be anywhere else in the world…I just didn’t get it. It just doesn’t add up. Did I…did I do something? Did I _not_ do something? I’m literally begging you to tell me.” Even stood up. “Isak. I am about to drop to my knees in a KB and beg.”

This time Isak rolled his eyes so hard his whole head fell back. “You know what Even, you haven’t changed either. Outside, now.” Isak grabbed his tea and coat and stormed out. He made it three blocks in his huff before he had to stop to put his coat on. By then, Even had caught up with him.

“Fuck fuck fuck,” Isak swore to himself as he started pacing, looking at the ground, the buildings, the cars, anything but Even. He chucked his tea in a nearby bin.

“Fuck. Okay. No, you didn’t do anything. You’re perfect. You and your hair and your job and your cooking and your fancy apartment and your Uber and your girlfriend. All perfect. I’m just angry at myself because this, you…it’s all in my head. I was doing fine on my own and I had school and the clinic and my own little life all set up, something I worked so hard for. And then I’m out fucking _shopping_ and there you are! Doing that whole perfect thing! And now, somehow, everything seems wrong.

“I’m angry because I’m jealous. I’m angry because I’ve stopped sleeping. I’m angry because I don’t know what I want anymore. I’m angry because you can still text me and it drives me crazy. I’m angry because I’ll still run across the city to see you. I’m angry because…because I just spent three years running away from you and it didn’t work.”

Finally he looked at Even.

“Isak…” Even moved closer to him, slowly, not breaking eye contact. He lifted his hand and wiped at Isak’s cheeks, which were wet with tears. The gentle touch made Isak cry even harder, and he tried to turn away. “No. Hey. Okay we need to—Isak, please look at me. We really need to clear some things up here but we are standing on the sidewalk. Again. Can we please go inside? Just down there at the corner. Come on.” Even took his hand and led him to a wine bar that was just opening for the evening. They sat at a table near the back and Even ordered a couple of drinks quickly so they wouldn’t get hounded by the waitress. Isak tried to discreetly wipe away the rest of his tears with a cocktail napkin, and kept his eyes focused on the tabletop.

“First of all, Sonja and I are not together. We live in the same apartment, and we’re great friends, but that’s it. And when things get difficult, it’s always nice having someone to turn to who understands. Please don’t be upset about that relationship.”

Isak nodded, swallowing hard. It was silly of him to get so worked up over Sonja anyway, because he knew how important she is to him. And he shouldn’t have assumed that they were back together.

“But…” Even hesitated, and this made Isak look up. “I am…seeing someone.”

This hung in the air between them until the waitress set down their drinks.

“Th-that’s fine,” Isak finally blurted out. “I mean, I can’t pretend to not be upset about that, but we’ve…been done for a while. So.” Isak took a few big gulps of beer while he continued to process Even’s news.

“It’s only been about a month, but I just thought…full disclosure. I’ve been seeing other people and I am currently dating a guy.”

Isak nodded from behind his glass.

“Are you seeing anyone?”

He set down the pint a bit harder than necessary.

“Even. I just broke down crying in the street because I’m still hung up on you. How could you even ask that?”

Even shrugged and gave a little smile. “Women do it all the time in movies. Usually with a little music over a montage, about twenty minutes from the end.”

As upset as he was about everything that had just happened, Isak smiled back. He missed this teasing, this easy conversation, and now he could let himself admit that. “Of course. Well. This is not a romantic comedy and I’ve held a grudge for three years. So no, I’m not seeing anyone.”

“There aren’t any hot doctors over in Kongsvinger?”

“No.” Except Isak blushed when he said this and even in the dark bar Even could tell.

“Ooooooh it looks like there aaaare! Better clear your search history before I get my hands on your phone again.”

“Even, oh my god, please, you’re being ridiculous.”

“No I’m not! If I were ridiculous then I’d start talking about the date you two would go on to the shelter to find a dog to adopt. If I were ridiculous then I’d insist you name the dog Bjørn. If I were _ridiculous_ I’d dogsit while you and your doctor spent a weekend at a medical conference in Copenhagen.” Isak couldn’t help but laugh now, and everything started to feel like it used to be. They both leaned back in their chairs and drank, settling into the muscle memory of being together.

But then Even took a swig of wine and leaned forward, staring Isak down.

“Okay, here’s the deal. We had an amazing two and a half years together. I wouldn’t give up that time for anything. But when you wanted to break up, and we talked about it so…so logically, it made sense. Being together took a lot of effort on both sides, and we knew that we didn’t want a relationship that couldn’t redeem itself. We didn’t want it to become a job, something boring, something that we resented. And Isak—" Even reached over and touched his hand. “We were kids. We were in high school. I’m different from who I was then and I think you are too.

“It can be really…tempting to just slip back into what you know and who you used to be. I missed us so much because we were so comfortable together. But we can’t go back.”

Isak didn’t want to believe it, but he knew it was true. He had been clinging to a nostalgia and measuring every day since against it. “We can’t go back,” he whispered.

“We still love each other, but it’s different. And you can’t be angry about that.”

“Okay.”

They stared at each other while this sank in, while they shifted their relationship to a different plane. Isak could feel a steadiness wash over him, something that he didn’t think ever could have existed with Even. It was new and strange but he knew that this was how they’d move forward, and there was comfort in that too.

The bar was starting to fill up as nearby offices emptied for the impending holiday. Without exchanging another word, Even paid for their drinks and they bundled back up to leave.

Outside Even walked Isak to their old tram stop, going slowly despite the cold. “You’ll text me now, right? You won’t delete my number again?”

“I told you, I didn’t delete your number.”

“Isak.”

“Yes yes, I’ll text you.”

“I uh, probably won’t see you until next year, with the trip and all. But maybe I can come out and visit one weekend?”

“Well now it sounds like we just got divorced.”

“We did. You got the hat, I got the scarf.”

They both laughed softly as they approached the platform.

“Hey.” Isak turned and Even pulled him into a hug. “This was good. This was nice.” They still fit together, Isak’s arms going around Even’s waist and his head just hitting above his shoulder. The tram pulled up. “See you soon, Isak.” 

With a spin and a wave, he was gone.


	6. Six

This was the fifth time Ingrid had called the owners and there still wasn’t an answer. She left a message about Loki but added a warning: “If we do not hear from you by 15:00 tomorrow, Loki will be transferred to a foster home and surrendered to a shelter, available for adoption.” It was difficult for her to threaten an owner like that but they couldn’t keep Loki in his crate much longer.

Isak walked in with the day’s closed charts just as she was hanging up. “Still no word?”

“No answer, anywhere. I’m tempted to just drive the dog over to their house and knock down their door.”

“Would you really do that?”

“Oh not really, it'd be acting outside clinic rules, plus…there’s usually a good reason why this kind of thing happens. Most cases like this, someone figured they couldn’t take care of the dog any longer, so they bring the dog in for treatment and leave it with us in hopes that someone else will be able to do a better job. Loki was well cared for but his surgery was expensive, so it seems like it might be a money issue.”

“That’s unfortunate.” Isak started filing along the back wall.

“You get used to it. Speaking of, could you do his evening walk when we’re done? He needs a long one, and I don’t think I can handle that and the cat room before supper.”

“Sure.”

“Any plans for tomorrow night?” Ingrid was processing pharmacy orders but liked to keep up the small talk.

“No. Anders invited me to go to a house party with him but I’m not sure if I’m in the mood to get drunk with a bunch of strangers.”

“You’re 23, isn’t that your default mood?”

“Oj, Ingrid! What are _you_ doing tomorrow night then?”

“Turkey dinner with the kids, and then cradling the dogs while the fireworks go off. Big night.”

“I’ll come over and help.”

“If you do that then _I’m_ going to get drunk with strangers.”

Isak smiled. It actually sounded like a decent evening, surrounded by Ingrid’s three dogs, maybe lighting sparklers with her kids. He’d babysat a few times before, though he suspected that Ingrid only asked him to so she could help him with rent. He wasn’t going to decline an easy gig though.

His phone pinged from his pocket as he was stuffing the last chart away.

“Is that the doctor?” Ingrid asked, without looking away from the computer.

“Ingrid!”

“What? We all know what you’re trying to do, Isak.”

“I’m not trying to do anything!”

“Excuse me, you conveniently ask to be assigned to all of his animals and turn into a puddle on his surgery days. Please. We’ve all seen Grey’s Anatomy.”

“Oh my god. Here, look, I’m not texting the doctor.” Isak leaned against the desk and showed her his phone.

“Who is Bjørn?”

“An imaginary dog that my ex is teasing me about.”

“Well this just got more interesting. Pray tell why you spend your days staring at Lars when there is someone trying to flirt with you in your pocket?” This was not the direction Isak wanted the conversation to go in. “And why has it taken me four months to hear about him?” He dropped his head into his hands.

“Oh Isak, I’m just playing with you.” Ingrid patted his knee. “But you should know that Lars is a waste of your time. He’s an excellent doctor but a bad boyfriend.”

“How would you know?”

“He was an intern here too, once, doing the exact same thing as you: filing charts, petting dogs, developing dangerous crushes on attractive men.”

“Okay. So...then you know what his type is?”

“Isak!” Now she swatted his knee. “Go walk Loki. I can hear his whine.”

Isak pushed himself away from the desk and went through the back to the kennel. Loki was sitting attentively, waiting for Isak to gather the lead and bags. “Yeah buddy, we’re going to go on a long walk tonight. Maybe you’ll even meet some friends in town.” Isak talked to the dog while he pulled on his layers. “How’s your leg doing, huh? You’re still looking a little funny with that shave job. I’ll talk to Lars about those clippers.”

Isak led Loki out of the clinic and they started their trek into town. Loki still moved slowly but needed the exercise, so they walked all the way to Sykehusskogen before turning around and heading back. Isak was always hopeful that someone would recognize Loki and want to chat about him, giving details about his owners, but he knew it was hard to see the black Elkhound in the dark of the evening. Instead their walk became a lengthy one-sided conversation as Isak asked the dog for relationship advice.

“I know he saved your life and all, but what do you really think of Lars?” Loki looked up at the sound of Isak’s voice but quickly lost interest. “It seems like I have a thing for older guys. But he’s very smart. And handsome, for a human.”

Isak hadn’t done much but stare (a little too obviously) at Lars for the past couple of months, and he rarely felt the urge to actually make a move. He fantasized about something happening, of course, but it was more like a fun distraction than some kind of goal. It had certainly helped keep his mind off of Even, even though he was texting him daily about his crush. Having something else to focus on made the chatting easier.

“This is what moving on looks like, Loki. Like you’re fucking running backwards.”

Back at the clinic Isak noticed a different car in the parking lot, even though they were closed for the night. “Oh, Ingrid must’ve opened up for an emergency. Let’s go, she might need help.” Isak jogged Loki around the back and put him in his crate, removing his food bowl and refreshing his water for the night. Loki whined. “Hush. We’ll all be back here tomorrow.”

Isak made sure everything else was closed up before he left the kennel, then went to check the exam rooms to see if Ingrid needed help. They were all empty though, so Isak walked to the waiting room.

“Ingri—?” Ingrid turned when Isak walked in, eyes wide and a smirk dancing on her face. Isak looked over at who she was talking to and froze.

“There you are! I brought your scarf back.”


	7. Seven

“You…are supposed to be snowboarding in France right now.”

“Actually I’m supposed to be at a bar in France right now, but I had to give you your scarf back.”

“I’m just going to…cats.” Ingrid whispered and slipped past Isak. He still couldn’t move. Even was smiling, and he slid the scarf across the counter that separated them.

“You had to.”

“I had to.”

Isak squeezed his eyes shut and pinched the bridge of his nose, trying to wrap his head around the fact that Even was here in the clinic. Maybe he was imagining things. Maybe his subconscious had had enough and decided to manifest his deepest desires right there in his workplace. Maybe Even wasn’t actually there with his stupid scarf and his stupid windburn and his stupid smile. Maybe. Isak opened his eyes.

Nope.

“Alright. Well. This is very strange. I need to get my coat. Don’t move.” Isak spun into the office and practically ran through to the cat room to find Ingrid.

“What the fuck.”

Ingrid was busy adjusting the cone on one of the cats, hunched over to see into its cage. “I may have only known about Even for an hour at this point, but he seems lovely. Quite nice of him to cut his vacation short to return your scarf.” Then she turned and stared pointedly at Isak.

“What…what do I do? Who the fuck just shows up like that?” He was so overwhelmed his voice started to squeak.

“Go out for a drink! Take him home! I don’t know. I need to lock up, so I’m going to kick you out in five minutes anyway.” Ingrid slipped past him again, patting his shoulder on the way out.

Isak returned to the office and gathered his sweater, coat, and boots, trying to buy himself some time to work out a plan. By the time he made it out to the waiting room, he still had no idea what to do or say. Ingrid was chatting with Even by the front door, swinging her keychain. Isak grabbed his scarf and walked over.

“Isak, Even is staying at the Festningen, so he can give you a ride home tonight!”

“Oh, so you had time to make a hotel reservation but not enough time to text me before showing up at my work?”

“Isak, darling, if you’re going to argue, please do it in the parking lot, after I’ve locked the doors and driven away.” Ingrid nudged both of them outside. Even walked over to his car and opened the passenger door.

“Come on, we’ll talk in the car.”

With Ingrid effectively ditching him, Isak had no other choice but to be driven home by Even. He climbed into the front seat and watched Even jog around to the other side.

“Are you seriously staying at the hotel?”

“Yes, until Sunday.” Even folded himself into his seat and started the car. “What’s your address?” Isak reached over and typed it into the GPS. Even pulled out of the parking lot.

“This is a nice car. When did you get your license?” Isak tried to reel in the sarcasm, keep it civil. He already knew when Even got his license because he had spent one night scrolling through three years worth of his facebook posts. But he couldn’t think of anything else to ask about.

“Um, maybe two years ago? I don’t drive much, but it comes in handy for trips.”

“Like when you need to return a fucking scarf.” The civil conversation didn’t last long. Isak kept his eyes on the road even though that wasn’t something he could control either.

“Isak, I came to see you. I’m sorry I didn’t ask you in advance, but it was a…spontaneous decision, and I thought it would be a fun surprise. Ingrid said you don’t have any New Year’s plans, so I think it worked out quite well anyway.” Isak could feel Even glancing over at him but continued to stare straight ahead. “She’s really nice, by the way. Told me all about Loki while we were waiting for you.”

Isak softened a bit, looking down into his lap. “Ingrid’s great. She’s helped me out a lot since I moved out here. And that’s part of the reason I didn’t spend more time in Oslo, because I knew I’d miss…this.” He gestured at the dark woods outside the window. They both spoke slowly now, letting the sounds of the road fill the silences. The GPS directed them through the center of town and then into the more residential neighborhood to the north.

“I don’t mean to intrude, but I’d really love to see more of your life here, Isak. If you’ll let me. It’s the holiday and then the weekend, so we can just keep it really chill.” 

Isak sighed. “It’s not like I can banish you from Kongsvinger anyway. But I still have work tomorrow morning, so you’ll have to entertain yourself.”

“Easy. I’ll go hang out at the shelter. Find Bjørn.” This made Isak laugh.

“I know we’ve had some weird conversations but this whole dog thing is really getting out of control. Apparently the whole clinic knows about my little crush now, by the way. I was being too obvious.”

“You were never great at not staring at people. Any progress on the Lars front?” Until then Even had only referred to Lars as the hot doctor, so Isak was shocked when he heard Even say his actual name.

“What? Did Ingrid tell you who he is?”

“No, but his card was on the front counter. Picked one up in case of an emergency.”

“Even! Don’t you dare.” Even’s smile was brighter than the dashboard lights. “I will actually kill you if you contact him in any way.”

“Oh I’m just teasing you. Is this it?”

“Yeah, the blue one. You can park right in front of the door.” Even pulled into a short driveway and parked.

“I thought you were in an apartment.”

“Sort of. Anders and I are on the second floor, and there are stairs around back that we use. Come in, you should meet him.” They both climbed out of the car and Isak led the way. As they walked up, Isak remembered he could see the hotel from the second floor, its high brick walls lit up against the night. He pointed it out to Even. “You’re actually pretty close.”

The apartment was small but well equipped, with a full-size kitchen, a wood stove in the living room, and laundry in the bathroom. Anders was sprawled out on the couch watching television when they walked in. He put the documentary on mute and stood up when he noticed Even.

“Hei Anders. This is Even, my…friend. Even, this is Anders.”

“Hyggelig!”

“Anders is studying at Politihøgskolen.” Anders gave Even a firm handshake.

“Are you a student too?”

“No, I actually didn’t go to university.”

“Even works in Oslo. He decided to take a break from the city for the holiday.”

“So you came here…to Kongsvinger?”

“Sure. Had to meet you, didn’t I?” Anders laughed.

“Whatever, man. Isak, there’s beer in the kitchen, but save some for tomorrow night, yeah? Oh, and are you coming? Both of you are welcome.”

“What’s that?” Even looked to Isak, a sparkle in his eye.

“Just a house party, countdown, you know.”

“That sounds fun.” Even swung his arm around Isak’s shoulder and squeezed. “I’m in.”

“I guess…we’re going, yeah. Thanks. What time do you want to walk over?”

“Maybe like 16? They’re ordering a lot of food and want to start early.”

“Sounds good.”

Even squeezed Isak’s shoulder again before letting go. “Thanks Anders."

“We’re going to make sandwiches. Want one?”

“Nah, I had pizza.” Anders fell back onto the couch and returned to his documentary. Even followed Isak into the kitchen.

“First the shelter, then a house party. This trip is shaping up nicely.”

“You’re not actually going to the shelter, are you?” Isak moved around the kitchen pulling out ingredients. “Beer?” He tugged open the fridge.

“Yes to beer, no to shelter. Anders is cute.” Isak popped his head up.

“Excuse me? Would you like to go flirt some more while I make you supper?”

“Me? Flirt? Besides, you know the rules. You’re not allowed near the spices.” 

Isak rolled his eyes and opened the beers against the counter. He handed one to Even. “Fine, you do the spices. I’ll go flirt for you.” 

He walked to the doorway and shouted: “Anders, Even thinks you’re cute!”

“Thank you!” Anders yelled back, without turning around.

“Isak my dear, if that is flirting, then I’m not sure what I was so worried about.”

“Just make me a fucking sandwich.”

* * *

“Lars actually is very handsome.”

Even was sitting cross-legged at the head of Isak’s bed, staring intently at his phone between sips of beer. Isak was slowly tidying up his room and trying to find clean scrubs for tomorrow. At Even’s comment though, he lunged for his phone.

“What are you doing!”

“Google!” Even laughed and held his phone above Isak’s head. Isak reached but then gave up, flopping onto his back. Even extended his legs and rested them across Isak’s stomach, a half-hearted pin.

“Even, please. It’s honestly more of a joke than anything at this point.”

“He’s a bit older though, isn’t he?” Even was still examining his phone.

“Yeah, well….”

“Well what?”

“Hey, you’ve seen mine. How about yours? I need a name at least.”

“No you don’t. I’m not going to see him anymore.”

“That’s not a good enough reason for me to not insta-stalk him though.” Isak was about to pull up Even’s facebook profile to do some digging, but realized that the teasing atmosphere had left the room. He put his phone down and looked up at Even, whose face had dropped into shadow.

Isak hadn’t felt the warmth of another body against him in a long time, and even though it was just Even’s legs, he missed the weight of another human being, the comfort of that heaviness. He rolled onto his stomach, doing his best not to disturb Even’s position. “Give me a pillow.” Even tossed him one, and then settled further down onto the bed.

They looked at each other for a while, holding steady but not forced eye contact. It was almost like how it used to be, when it didn’t take any effort and they were just floating in each other’s orbit. Impossible to look away, though neither of them wanted to.

“Did something happen?” Isak whispered.

“Yeah…” Even looked down at his bottle, picking at the label. “But he doesn’t know about it yet.”


	8. Eight

In the first few seconds of waking up, everything seemed normal. Isak was curled up into Even’s side, his left leg hooked around Even’s and one of his arms resting over Even’s chest. But then there was Even’s voice, a sleepy rumble that he almost felt more than heard, and reality clicked in. “Isak.”

Isak scrambled backward, shoving Even in the side and nearly falling out of bed. “Ow!” He got his legs under himself and rose up onto his knees.

“What are you doing here. What time is it.” They were less questions and more accusations.

“It’s almost 8. I didn’t know what time you had to get up for work so I woke you.”

“What happened last night?” 

“Shit, I knew you were going to freak.” Even sat up. Isak looked down at himself and then at Even, realizing that they were both still wearing their clothes from yesterday. Isak slowly climbed out of bed. “You fell asleep while we were talking, and when I tried to move you, you did that snuggling thing.”

“What snuggling thing?!” Isak knew exactly what snuggling thing he did. Even tilted his head and stared up at him. “Sorry.”

“What time do you have to be at work?”

“Fuck. Soon. You can uh…go.” Isak turned and grabbed the scrubs he had laid out last night from the chair.

“Now that I’m not trapped? Yeah, thanks.”

“Next time just wake me up.”

“Next time?” Even raised his eyebrows and started laughing. Isak chucked his scrubs at his head and stormed out of the room. Seconds later Even heard the shower running. 

He climbed out of bed and folded Isak’s scrubs. Even picked up the empty bottles littered around the edge of the bed and carried them to the kitchen. Anders was on the couch again, watching the television while he shoveled cereal into his mouth. He waved his spoon as Even walked by.

In the kitchen Even did some cleaning up, plugging in the kettle and taking stock of their fridge for breakfast. He knew he didn’t have much time but also wanted to make something proper. He could tell Isak and Anders still very much lived on a student’s diet, not giving much thought to anything that took too much time or effort.

“Are you making breakfast?” Anders walked in, depositing his bowl and spoon in the sink.

“Omelettes!” Miraculously, they had peppers.

“That’s nice of you. No one’s ever made breakfast for him before. Well, the landlady, once, but that was, y’know, not…this.”

“Oh yeah? What’s this?” Even stopped chopping for a moment to see if he could still hear the shower running.

“I mean he’s never had anyone stay over before. Frankly I’m surprised you both fit in there. He took the smaller room when we moved in.”

“We make it work.” Even threw Anders a smile. “So no other guys, huh?”

“Nope. Didn’t even know he was gay until he let slip about an ex-boyfriend once.”

“Oh Anders, you can't just mention an ex-boyfriend and not give me details.”

Anders shrugged. “It was just a real casual comment. I made him watch a documentary about animation and when it was over he said his ex would’ve loved it.” Even smiled again but more to himself. He started cracking eggs and whisking them in the biggest bowl he could find.

“Are you a big fan of documentaries?”

“Yeah. I try to watch one a day. Hey, are you making coffee?”

“Oh, that was just going to be some tea for Isak. But there’s plenty of water.” Anders unplugged the kettle and started working alongside Even.

“So what do you do in Oslo?”

Before Even could answer, Isak walked into the kitchen, hair still wet and dripping a bit down the back of his shirt. “Sorry if Even is getting in the way, Anders. He was supposed to leave.”

“Oh no, he’s fine. He made you breakfast."

“Omelettes!” Even served them onto plates, then turned and presented them to Isak.

“I’m going to be late.”

“Isak. Take the fucking omelette. I will drive you to work.”

“You have work today?”

“Yeah, but we’ll be back in time for the party.” Isak took one of the plates and sat down at the table, eating faster than necessary. Even joined him, tackling his eggs in a more civilized manner.

Anders took a final swig of his coffee and put his mug in the sink. “Well gentlemen, this was a pleasure, with zero awkwardness whatsoever. I’ll see you later.” He padded his way back to his room, shutting off the television en route.

Isak finished his omelette and went over to the sink, running the water to start the dishes. Despite having just finished a really good breakfast, he tried to pretend that Even didn’t make it for him, that Even wasn’t there, that it was just another Thursday. He watched the bubbles grow.

“You’re doing it again.” Even spoke softly from the table.

“Doing what.” Isak turned around and reached for Even’s now-empty plate, adding it to the sink.

“Getting angry at me for no reason.”

“No reason? _No reason_?!” Isak rinsed and slammed a clean plate onto the drying rack. “What are you _doing_ Even? A week ago you were saying how we’re different people and you’re seeing someone else and we should just be friends. And now you’re sleeping in my bed and making eggs in my fucking kitchen!” Isak was yelling at the soapy water because he didn’t know what would happen if he turned back around. He washed another plate and let his fear boil over into anger. “I don’t know what fucking game you’re playing now but it hurts. And I just…I was right before. I can’t just be friends with you. I can’t _just_ have you in my life yet right out of reach.”

“Do you want me to leave?”

The quietness in Even’s voice is what broke Isak’s anger. He could tell how small he felt just from that, and it was something that he never wanted to be the cause of.

“No. I don’t want you to leave. That’s the problem.” Isak turned around and finally faced the man he was still in love with. “I want to go right back to bed, reattach myself to you, and never let go. But…" Isak sighed heavily, and when he spoke again he let his regret flow out with it. "Like you said, we can’t go back.”

“We can’t go back.”

They stared at each other again, this time with more intention, bordering on a challenge. They couldn’t keep rehashing the same argument over and over again. They couldn’t keep playing the same game, switching sides with every round.

Even stood and walked up to Isak, getting as close as he could without touching him. Isak watched his eyes as they darted around his face, searching.

“I’m going to ask you one question, and you don’t have to answer it now. But it’s something I’ll need to know.

“If you still love me…” Even’s eyes locked on his. “…why did you stop fighting for me?”

Even waited for a few seconds, and then he let himself breathe. And then he let himself blink. And then he let himself lean in. And then he let himself kiss.

And it was the softest thing he had done in a long time, just pressing his lips against Isak’s and feeling the warmth spread across his face. It was different from the cheek kisses and the rushed kisses and the deep kisses and the sad kisses. It was quiet and restrained, a calm before the storm.

When Isak brought his hands up to Even’s waist and started to kiss him back, Even stepped away.

“You’re going to be late for work.”


	9. Nine

Isak had brought Loki out of his crate and let him roam the back office, practicing his recall when he got too close to anything dangerous. Ingrid was watching the clock. They had an hour left at the clinic before they’d close up for the year and they still hadn’t heard from Loki’s owners.

“You disinfected the exam rooms?”

“Disinfected, inventoried, even taped up the sharps.” He chirped at Loki, who bounded over. Isak shuffled himself around the office in the rolling chair and Loki zig-zagged after him.

“If I gave you the keys, would you be willing to come in tomorrow to walk him? It looks like he’ll be spending the night here.”

“I’d love to. What time?”

“I’m doing morning rounds so no later than 19 please.”

“Certainly.” Isak let Loki catch him and cupped his head, scratching around his ears.

“Thank you. I know it’s a lot to ask on a holiday but I won’t hear the end of it if I make two trips out here. And oh, just look at how much he loves you.”

“I wish I could just take him home now.”

“He’ll be transferred to the shelter on Monday. Get started on the application.”

“Ah no. I can’t do that while I’m in school. Plus, he needs to be on a farm.” Loki, done with Isak’s games, collapsed into a curl against the wheels of the chair.

“I certainly hope someone just like you finds him, Isak.”

“Me too.”

The doorbell rang just then and Loki gave a sharp bark in warning. “Can you see who it is? I want to stay by the phone.” Isak grabbed Loki’s lead from the desk and walked him out to the front.

Even was peering in through the glass but straightened up and stepped back when he saw Isak approaching. He was only wearing his varsity jacket over a button down shirt, and had his hands shoved in his pockets. His breath fogged the window. Isak unlocked the door and let him in.

“You didn’t tell me you already found Bjørn!” Even dropped to a crouch and let Loki approach him. He sniffed at his knees and slowly made his way up to his face. Isak noticed he was freshly showered and wearing the same cologne that he used to in high school.

“This is Loki. He came in for hip surgery and we think his owners abandoned him.”

“That’s impossible. Who would do that to you? Silly humans.” Even was petting Loki and baby-talking to him, already smitten.

“So uh…what are you doing here? I thought we were going to meet at the apartment with Anders.”

“I came to pick you up because I didn’t think you’d have enough time to do your hair before we’d have to leave.” Even stood up, smiling wide.

“Hold kjeft! You can’t walk in here looking like that and make fun of my hair. You forget that I know exactly how long you spend in front of the mirror.”

“Yeah but it looks good, right?” Even winked and Isak melted.

“I have to…” he looked down at Loki to hide his blushing. “I have to talk to Ingrid. Give me a minute.”

Isak took Loki back into the office. Ingrid was still on the computer but didn’t look happy. “Nothing?”

“Nope. Who was at the door?”

“Just Even, he came to pick me up.”

Ingrid glanced at the clock. “You might as well go then. It’s kind of pointless that we’re still here anyway. I’ll walk Loki before I head out.”

“Thanks Ingrid.”

“Here are the keys for tomorrow.” She opened the desk drawer and pulled out the spare set, tossing them to Isak. In turn he handed her Loki’s leash. “Check the cats’ water while you’re at it, okay?” He gave her a silent salute and then went to gather his things.

“Oh, one more thing Isak.”

Isak turned, briefly wondering if he should be taking notes. “Yeah?”

“Does uh…this mean Lars is out of the picture?” Ingrid could barely finish the question before she started giggling. Isak flipped her off as he left the office, but that just made Ingrid laugh louder.

Out in the waiting room Even was reading a brochure on vaccinations from this counter display. He looked up when Isak returned. “What was that about?”

“Nothing. Let’s go.”

“Oh I know that look. Did someone joke about the hot doctor again?” Even swung around and draped his arm over Isak’s shoulder, leaning on him as they walked to the door.

“If you mention him one more time I’m going to ship you back to Oslo in a box.”

“It’ll probably be more comfortable than my car.”

“Ja you fucking giraffe.” Even recoiled and gave Isak a shove, but they both caught each other’s eye and smiled.

“Godt Nyttår, Ingrid!” Isak yelled out, and then the boys escaped into the night.

* * *

It was about a five-minute walk to Anders’ friend’s house, and they could already hear muted dance music pumping in the distance. They were each carrying a case of beer, just enough to get them through the long night.

“The cool thing is we’ll be able to see the fireworks from his place. Most people go down to the river but I think it’s just as good watching over the trees.” 

“You don’t do your own?”

“He used to, but there was an accident a few years ago that put them off of it.” Even didn’t press Anders further, and they walked in silence for a bit, taking in the sounds of the neighborhood. The last of the light was fading fast, and there was a hiss in the air from children already playing with sparklers.

Isak shifted his case to his other arm, and as soon as his hand was free Even reached over and laced his fingers through his own. Isak was shocked by the sudden touch as well as how cold Even’s skin felt against his own. “Your hand is freezing.”

“I know.” Without letting go, Even shoved their hands into his pocket. They shifted their pace so it was easier to walk together.

“We’re almost there. You should have worn a bigger jacket Even. We’ll be outside later.” 

“Anders, come on, this is a look I’m trying here.” Isak laughed into his scarf.

Anders led them up to the white house that was making the neighborhood shake with a bass beat. The windows were dark but the outside was lit well, and the boys started to get excited.

“Been a while since I’ve been to a proper party, mood lighting and everything.”

“We’ll see how long you last old man.” Isak wiggled his hand out of Even’s pocket and nudged him forward, following Anders right into the house. The music hit them like a brick wall, and they powered through into the darkness.

* * *

They had an hour left in the year. Isak was in the kitchen in search of more beer, but got sidetracked when he caught sight of Even back in the living room, holding court on the couch. He didn’t think he’d be so sentimental about any of this—it was just supposed to be another opportunity to get drunk and not have to worry about it the next day—but he had been aware of the countdown all evening. Somehow he felt like his whole life had been leading up to this, this random but chill bunch of students at someone’s home in…Kongsvinger.

Even looked over at Isak and caught him staring. He excused himself from the group, pushing himself up off the couch and picking his way through the crowd that had spread out on the floor. His movement seemed to shake up the whole room, and people started standing in his wake.

“Are they out?”

“No no, I just got distracted.” Isak walked over to the fridge and pulled two bottles out. Even followed, but Isak shut the door and spun around before he could get in. Isak hid the beers behind his back and held a silent standoff. Even looked around the otherwise empty kitchen in confusion.

“Did…I miss something?” Then he narrowed his eyes. “You’re not trying to…” Isak shook his head quickly.

A group of girls had commandeered the iphone in the corner and were clicking through a fresh playlist.

“Let’s trade. You get a beer, I get…a kiss.” Isak’s voice shook but he nodded his head assertively. Yes. This is what he wanted. “And not that shit from this morning.”

Even was impressed, and he couldn’t hold back his smile. But this was a game he wanted to play too. He took three slow steps back until he was leaning against the counter. 

The girls settled on an old Sia remix. 

“Bring me the beer.” 

Isak walked over and stood next to him, slamming the bottles open on the edge of the counter. He held one up. “Are you sure you want this?”

Even leaned over and kissed Isak lightly on the cheek. “I’m sure.”

“Mmmm, that didn’t sound very sure to me. Try again.”

Even shifted to face Isak straight on and cleared his throat, settling into a stance. He leaned in slowly and touched his lips to Isak’s, but then backed away immediately. Isak fell forward a bit, still expecting more, again.

“Are you fucking kidding me?” Even’s eyes crinkled as he tried to suppress a laugh. “Fine.” Isak picked up the other bottle and walked backward out of the kitchen, staring Even down. In the middle of the living room he slid into the center of the group of girls dancing, handing one of them Even’s beer and letting another take his now empty hand. He found the beat and started dancing with them, giving himself a solid minute before he looked back over toward the kitchen. Even was leaning against the doorframe, watching.

Isak smiled and shrugged, then turned his attention back to the girls. Most of the other guys at the party were still sitting around drinking, either ignoring the girls or pretending they were too cool to dance to this music. They had queued up a string of hits, throwbacks from their high school parties that everyone knew even if they didn’t want to admit it, but the room was still hesitant. Isak let the girls press themselves up against him, surprising himself with how comfortable he felt.

Maybe it was the steady drinking he’d been doing all night, or the house full of relative strangers, or maybe it was pure nostalgia, but the weight of his inhibitions, the stress of his future, wasn’t pressing down on him like it had been recently. He knew where he was in this moment, in his life, and it felt both familiar and new, something he could recognize yet could still excite him. The room got warm and the music vibrated through the floor, his pulse matching the tempo.

A Kygo song came on, and the softer beat made the girls spread out and twirl. Someone cursed the music choice loudly from the corner. Even, watching Isak over the girls’ heads, moved into the crowd.

Before he could see him, Isak felt him. Even tugged on his belt loop with one hand and the other grazed the bare skin of his waist where his shirt was riding up. Isak spun to face him, tilting his head up but not losing the beat. Even moved his hands down to Isak’s hips, pushing and being pushed as they settled into each other.

Song after song built up and played out, but it didn’t stop and they didn’t stop. Isak brought his arms up and draped his wrists over Even’s shoulders. Sometimes he let his hands float into the air above their heads, other times they rested on the back of Even’s neck. He’d pull Even closer, to press as much of his body against him, and then he’d step back, still playing the game. You want it? Let’s trade.

Even’s hands matched move for move, grasping at Isak’s tee, pressed across his back, running through his hair. Their bodies dipped and stretched but never stopped touching. Even leaned forward and their foreheads connected, noses lining up, lips ready. For a moment they just breathed in each other.

And then they crashed.

They lost the beat and the music faded away; their new soundtrack was the blood rushing through their ears and their breath on their skin. Their eyes closed and all there was left to do was feel: press, taste, retreat, repeat, kisses that were questions and demands, touches that were suggestions and answers. None of that shit from this morning. Their mouths were saying what couldn’t be said, tongues dancing to that old familiar song.

Then the music really did fade away. They pulled back, taking in the rest of the world again yet somehow still only seeing each other. Bodies moved around them as the room emptied and the party spilled out into the street. The last minute had begun.

Fifty-one seconds and they had their coats by the door, Even’s slung over his shoulder.

Thirty-eight seconds and they were at the end of the drive, trying to figure out what came next.

Nineteen seconds and a girl handed them sparklers, holding out a flame until they erupted with a crackle.

Twelve seconds and they were looking at each other in the flickering light, hair damp and cheeks flushed.

Four seconds and they knew.

Three, two, one: they can’t go back now.


	10. Ten

They decided to leave a little after 3, when all of the beer was gone and people started falling asleep on the couch. Isak pulled on his hat but wrapped his scarf around Even’s neck, chastising him in the process. “I don’t know why you thought you’d survive with just this coat.” Even just smiled and started humming “Baby, It’s Cold Outside.” Isak took one of Even’s hands in his own and they started the trek home.

The fireworks were over but there were still some revelers out on the streets, embracing the freshness of the first few hours of the new year. It was a time to feel invincible, no longer burdened by the year they just survived and still untouched by the year to come. Walking in the relative quiet with the last of their buzz wearing off, Isak felt a strength and warmth flood through him. He was here. Even was here. They were here together.

When they rounded the corner onto Isak’s street, Even slowed to a stop, tugging Isak backward. “What’s wrong?” 

“Can I kiss you?” The request was painted so plainly on Even’s face that it made Isak smile.

“You can always kiss me.”

So Even pulled Isak even closer and did just that, slow kisses that burned just right and made them forget the cold.

“Always?” Even asked against his cheek.

But there was something sad in the way he said it, that made Isak step back and get a good look at Even’s face. All he could see were questions, though, a million questions flashing this way and that, and a mind begging for peace. Isak didn’t know how to answer.

“Let’s just go inside,” he said instead, walking backward, still watching Even's face. After a moment it cleared, and Even gave a chuckle.

“Actually we have to go to the hotel. I uh…I promised Anders we’d leave him alone.”

“Fy faen, he actually left with her?!”

“Like right after the fireworks started, they were gone.”

“Ah, okay. Well you’re driving us there. It’s too cold to walk anymore.”

They climbed into Even’s car and drove the short trip up to the fortress, quiet the whole way. The evening was finally catching up to them, and the warmth of the car made Isak especially sleepy. At the hotel Even stopped briefly to ask the front desk what time breakfast was served, but then led Isak right to his room.

“You’re not working right?”

“No. I need to visit Loki after dinner though.”

“Good. No alarms,” Even said as he shouldered open the door. Without thinking about what he was doing, Isak pulled his phone out of his pocket to hand over to Even. When Even turned to close the door behind them, he saw the phone and let out a quiet laugh. “Oh I forgot we used to do that.”

It had been their small ritual, whenever they had a night together that wasn’t followed by an early morning. Usually it was Saturday nights, but there were holidays and breaks from school and work that gave them reprieve as well. Even would declare “No alarms,” and Isak would give him his phone to shut off and hide somewhere in the room. Then they would have the luxury of completely shutting out the world, only reentering it on their own terms the next day.

“Ah, just…habit.” Isak quickly shoved his phone back into his pocket and started removing his coat and boots. “This is a nice room.”

“Pretty good for a 17th century fortress.”

Isak walked over to the desk at the window. Even had set up his laptop already and it looked like he had been working the day before. Outside Isak had a good view of the river, lit up well from the festivities. For the first time since Even had arrived in Kongsvinger, Isak realized what his life must look like to him, the small town, the apartment, the clinic. He had adjusted well to it, to his schedule and his runs and his smaller social circle, but it must be difficult to understand for someone who lives and breathes Oslo.

“Du…” When Isak turned around, Even was sitting on the edge of the bed. “Can we go to sleep?” Isak pulled his phone out again—it was almost 4—and left it on the desk. He walked over to Even, standing between his legs and resting his hands along his neck. Even was looking up at him with that same questioning gaze.

“Thank you for my New Year’s kiss. And every one that came after it.” Isak leaned down, gave him a light kiss, and then tilted over to his side. “But you’re on my side of the bed.”

Within seconds Even wrapped his arms around Isak’s waist and lifted him over his shoulder; they both fell back onto the bed with soft grunts. “Fuck you’ve gained weight.”

Isak pulled a pillow out and smacked Even. “Get on your side of the bed before I kick you out completely.”

Even crawled up to the left side of the bed, taking his pillow back as he went. They both shuffled under the duvet, letting the weight of their exhaustion finally settle into their bones. Even reached to turn off the bedside lamp and Isak waited for him to get comfortable. Then, like habit, he looped his leg around Even’s, extended his arm across his chest, and fell asleep tucked into Even’s side.

* * *

They slept well into the afternoon. Or, at least Isak did. When he woke up Even was still next to him, scrolling through his phone with one hand and playing with Isak’s hair with the other, but he was showered and dressed in fresh clothes. “How long have you been awake?” Even still looked tired.

“Mmm, maybe 10? I don’t sleep in as well as I used to. Are you hungry?”

“Starving. But also gross. Can I shower first?”

“Yeah, borrow some clothes.” Isak slid out of bed and dug through Even’s oversized suitcase for an outfit. When he reached snow pants and goggles, Isak realized something.

“Did you come here straight from France?” He turned around, holding up the goggles. Even looked up briefly but then returned to his phone.

“Yes.” Isak stared at him, expecting more of an explanation. But when he didn’t elaborate, Isak chucked the goggles back in the suitcase and carried the clothes to the bathroom.

After a quick shower and stealing some of Even’s toothpaste, Isak was beyond ready for lunch. But when he emerged from the bathroom, Even was sitting at the desk, his head hanging down in a phone call, and the room felt tense. Isak shut the bathroom door to announce his arrival.

“Look, I have to go. I’m sorry we did this over the phone but we can talk when I’m back next week.” Even glanced at Isak over his shoulder. “Sunday night. Okay. Okay. Ha det.”

“Who was that?” Isak didn’t want to pry but the question was out of his mouth before he could stop it.

“That was…Daniel. We were supposed to meet for dinner tonight, once I got back from France. I called to cancel…um…everything, and he did not take it well.” Even stood up and tossed his phone on the bed. Isak didn’t know what to say so he just nodded. “I know I should have talked to him earlier but everything has just been…happening.”

“Are…you going to see him next week?”

“Probably, yes. I owe him a proper explanation.”

“Does he know about me?”

They were both uncomfortable, unprepared for this discussion and unsure of what it would require. Even ran his hand through his hair as he considered his answer.

“He knows who you used to be.”

A boyfriend. A lover. A protector. A fighter. Their past hung in the air, the highs and the lows and the perfect in-betweens, the rough start and the too-smooth end. Isak wanted to ask who he was now, but knew he couldn’t until he answered Even’s question first. Why did he stop?


	11. Eleven

They went and got pizza, satisfying their hangover cravings at one of the few spots that were actually open on the holiday. Isak showed Even a bit more of the town, sharing the kind of life he had outside of the clinic. Even asked a lot of questions as they walked along the river.

“So you have another semester here. What comes next?”

“I might stay on in the summer. Depends on what the clinic could offer. But I think I would need some kind of work, so I get exposed to more procedures.”

“You could do that in Oslo, no?” Even shot him a lopsided smile.

“I…could. It’s more competitive in the city though. And here I get some experience with farm animals.” Isak avoided the question that Even was actually asking, and Even let it go.

“I never would’ve imagined you as a farm boy though. Surrounded by dogs, yes, but like, only in a bundle of leashes at a city park.”

“I did that two years ago in Ås, you know. I had three dogs that I walked during the week between classes.”

“Stop. That is the cutest. Did you post flyers for Isak’s Dog Walking Service?”

“I didn’t have to actually. It was just one person who knew one of my professors and they told someone else and I got those three dogs lined up pretty quickly.”

“You must have just been the best dog walker.”

“I am.”

“The best dog walker. The best swimmer. The best at tying ties.”

Isak stopped walking and bowed deeply. “Takk for recognizing my greatness.” When he straightened again, Even was smiling, but watching him with sad eyes. Isak extended his hand. “Let’s walk back now. It’s getting dark.”

They went back to the hotel first, where Even grabbed his laptop and a change of clothes. They mapped out the rest of their evening so that Isak could get a run in and check on Loki while Even did some work, and then he planned to cook a late dinner at the apartment. Anders’ guest was gone so the coast was clear.

* * *

Back at the apartment and dressed in proper running clothes this time, Isak walked out into the living room. Even was comfortably set up on the couch. “You got the wifi?”

“Ja but I’m just editing.”

Isak flopped onto the couch next to him and watched his screen. Even was tapping back and forth between frames of an animated bug that was flying through someone’s house. “Is this what you do all day at the office?” Isak couldn’t tell what was actually happening on the screen, but he could sense the bigger picture that Even was trying to draw out of his mind. He was so focused that Isak almost felt bad about asking the question.

“Unfortunately there’s a lot more email involved. This is the least stressful part of my job though.”

“You do know that it’s a holiday, right?”

“Says the guy who is about to run to his clinic.” Even paused and looked over his shoulder at Isak. “Kiss me before you go.”

Isak leaned in and gave him a quick peck, then pushed himself up off the couch. If he didn’t leave now he’d never get away.

* * *

Isak’s run to the clinic usually took a leisurely 45 minutes. He didn’t push himself tonight knowing he had a long walk and a return trip to make, but the cold still made his lungs burn. It was a good feeling though, a sharpness that kept him at attention and let him focus. It was just him on the streets, his arms swinging against his sides, his footsteps hitting the pavement, his heartbeat pounding in his chest.

And then, after a bit, there was Even. The slight tug that started behind his belly button and extended through him all the way back to the apartment. An invisible string that he didn’t feel before.

Isak owed him an explanation for leaving. He had done well to make the break-up make sense for both of them, but they both knew that Isak ran away. Whether or not he could admit why was the only thing hanging over them now.

It wasn’t the distance. They had enjoyed their time together in high school but they also transitioned well into lives further apart. Once he was in university Isak came back to the city every weekend to be with Even, and it was still the same, if not more exciting. Certainly, their hearts grew fonder.

It wasn’t any sort of doubt, either. They admired other people together and had their fun teasing, but cheating or even choosing someone else simply wasn’t an option. There was no want or need. They were more than enough for each other.

And just then Isak realized he had been so happy. They had been so happy. They had fit so well, not a piece out of place, and even now Isak could feel them clicking right back together again. Except whatever had overcome him three years ago was back (had it ever left?) and Isak could feel it climbing up his throat.

He was still running, but now it was harder to breathe. Everything was burning. He slowed to a stop and bent over double, closing his eyes against the darkness and turning his entire world into just the sound of his heart.

He was afraid. He was afraid of what they had, what they could have had. He was afraid of that happiness, and instead of waiting for something to come along and ruin it, he did it himself. Isak’s knees went weak and he collapsed onto the sidewalk. That was it.

He stayed on the ground for a few minutes, letting the realization sink into him with the weight and chill of a wet blanket. His breath rattled unevenly as he fought back tears, but a deeper part of him knew he wouldn’t cry this time. He would not pity himself and the mistakes he made. He could not hide behind a pain that he had caused.

So he controlled his breathing, slowed his heart rate. He straightened and stood, brushing the damp cold from his knees. He walked, stretching, remembering what his body could do and what he was supposed to be doing. Then, as he ran, he focused on what he was moving toward.

Isak heard Loki before he could see the clinic. Every minute or so a bark would ring out over the fields, getting louder as Isak approached. He started talking to the dog even though he knew Loki couldn’t hear him. “It’s alright, bud. I’m coming. Almost there now, and I’ll let you out on a nice long walk. Just hang in there for a little bit longer.” The reassuring statements worked more on Isak anyway, somehow preventing Loki’s anxiety from merging with his own.

Of course, once Isak reached the back door and unlocked it, Loki went into overdrive and started thrashing. If the neighbors hadn’t heard him before, they could definitely hear him now.

“Loki!” Isak made his voice boom down the hallway as he ran to the kennel. The sound of animal hitting metal stopped but Loki continued to bark until he caught sight of Isak at the door. Then he turned into a completely different dog, ears pressed back, hopping side to side, the curl of his tail wiggling furiously.

“Thaaaat’s my boy. Yes, it’s just me. We’re going to get you out of here for a little bit, yes we are.” Isak grabbed Loki’s lead and opened his crate, letting him attack him with licks and snuffles for a moment before he ordered him to attention.

Once they were outside Isak could feel Loki relaxing. Even though it was dark and the dog was on high alert for anything that might cross their path, Loki wasn’t stressed out about it. This made Isak happy but also nervous about subjecting Loki to another night in the crate. He was sure there’d be more fireworks tonight, people who still weren’t done celebrating as long as it was the weekend, and he didn’t want Loki injuring himself trying to escape.

By the time they reached the park Isak had made a decision.

* * *

“Hva faen?” Even came out of the kitchen when he heard Isak and Loki arrive, but quickly retreated to tend to whatever was about to burn on the stove. “Isak! Explain!”

“We have a guest joining us for the night.” Isak walked Loki around to each room, trying to define the space for the dog before he let him off the lead. Anders came out of the kitchen sipping a beer.

“I think I’m just relieved it’s not another guy.” Isak unhooked and chucked Loki’s lead at him.

“You’re okay with him right? He’ll stay in my room and I’m taking him back in the morning.”

“Yeah…” Anders spun around to chase Loki into the kitchen, and Isak followed.

“I thought you were just going to walk him, not bring him home!” Loki was stationed by Even’s right side, keeping a watchful eye on the arm stirring the sauce in the pan. Isak knew he was taking a risk bringing a dog into a strange home, but he trusted Loki and needed the distraction. He tried to play it casual, going to Even’s other side and giving him a quick kiss on the cheek. “Cold.”

“He was going to hurt himself if he spent another night in that crate. And since you two are best friends now I thought it would be rude not to have him over.”

“I just barely scraped this together; I don’t think I could find something decent for him to eat too.”

“No no, he had kibble at the clinic. He’s just here to chill.” Even glanced over at Isak, still unsure of the whole situation.

“And I thought I was the unpredictable one.” He gave Isak a quick eyebrow raise.

“In Isak’s defense, I’m surprised this didn’t happen sooner.” Anders piped up from his seat at the table. “Every week I listened to a new story about a puppy who needed to be saved and we made it four months before one actually showed up!”

“Um, thank you Anders?” Isak took a bowl from the cabinet and filled it with water, orienting Loki to it while Even finished cooking. Within minutes they were all settled around the table, everyone equally impressed with what Even accomplished.

“The first thing we’re doing tomorrow is grocery shopping.” Even jabbed his fork at Isak.

“I have to bring Loki back first.”

“Fine. But then groceries. This”—he gestured his fork at their plates—“was a fucking challenge.”


	12. Twelve

Isak was whispering because he didn’t want to wake up Loki. As soon as he woke up, it would be time to bring him back to the clinic. So they moved closer together and spoke softly into each other’s shoulders.

“So you really like this dog, huh?”

“Yes, he knows all of my secrets.”

“All of them? Does he…know how much you like to sing?” Isak nodded. “Does he know how much you cried when you got a 5 on that test in third year?”

“He knows that it was your fault.” Even let out a low chuckle, then paused to think about his next question.

“Does he know how much you love me?” Isak nodded again and smiled.

“Okay. I will get him to tell me someday.” Isak shifted his head so it lined up with Even’s and nudged his nose against his cheek. Even understood and kissed him.

At first it was just a light and slow kiss, like their early morning conversation under the duvet. Then it got bigger and deeper, their lips pressing and stretching to touch more of each other. Their eyes closed and their tongues and hands took over, covering familiar ground with a new urgency. A kiss became desire. It was their bodies’ turn to talk.

Even’s arm wrapped around Isak’s waist and pulled him closer, their hips pressed together and their legs latching on. Then Even rolled forward, pinning Isak underneath him and trapping his arms above his head. This made Isak laugh, recognizing the move and how easily he melted into position. How his arms stayed above his head when Even let go, how he arched his back so his neck, his chest, his belly rose to meet Even’s lips, how his hips lifted when Even’s hands tugged at the waistband of his boxers.

With a huff Loki hopped of the bed and climbed up on the chair to look out the window.

* * *

Isak walked Loki back to the clinic later that morning, Even following shortly after in his car. Isak checked on the cats, made sure everyone was fed and clean, and texted Ingrid an update. He didn’t tell her about the sleepover, just enough to reassure her that she wouldn’t have to do her rounds until the evening. Loki surrendered himself to the crate.

Isak locked up the clinic again and hopped into the car. Even backed out of the parking lot. “I honestly can’t tell you how excited I am to get you some decent food for your apartment.”

“Yeah, well…. Don’t go crazy, because you’re not going to be here to cook it.” Isak wasn't sure where that tone came from, but he wasn't about to backtrack on the truth. Even stared at Isak longer than was probably safe to do while driving, and then decided to pull over. He kept the engine running so they’d stay warm, and then twisted in his seat to face Isak.

“You do know that I’m going back because I have a job and an apartment and a therapist in Oslo, right? I’m not…leaving you. We both have these different lives that we need to…shift together.”

Isak looked over at Even but didn’t say anything. He took in his blonde hair combed back, his lips and cheeks pink from the hot air blasting from the dashboard, his long fingers resting on his knees. Isak wanted to reach out and hold one of Even’s hands, but he still wasn’t sure what that would mean. Affection? An apology? The past few days he’d been relying too much on body language and indirect comments, so he was back to feeling confused and scared even though he knew he wasn’t supposed to be. Because Even was right there, waiting for him.

They were silent for a little while longer, and then Even spoke.

“I know what this looks like. How I went from a mountain in France to a clinic in Kongsvinger at the drop of a hat, without telling anyone. Sonja freaked out and called my parents and I spent almost the entire drive out here on my phone. I mean…I still have episodes, but this was not one of them. You know what it’s like and this is not that. And you know my feelings for you are not some fucking symptom. _We_ are not an episode.

“It…it wasn’t so much impulsive, showing up here, as it was _easy_. This was the easiest decision I ever made. I saw you back in Oslo and you told me how you felt and I thought, ‘If he can still be in love with me then I’m allowed to still be in love with him.’ I could ignore what you told me three years ago and just pay attention to that moment. And right then I saw someone who hoped to love me. And when you see something as strong as love, as strong as hope? You buy a ticket, pack your bag, board a plane, and spend the entire time thinking of the perfect line to say when you’re standing in front of him again.”

As he was speaking Even had slowly leaned in closer to Isak. He leaned back now, letting his shoulders fall and head rest against the leather.

“A lot of stuff still doesn’t make sense right now, but that much I knew was true.”

He kept looking at Isak, waiting for the challenge. None came. He had said his piece.

Isak’s head dropped, unsure where to start. He drew a shaky breath.

“I’m sorry I stopped fighting. I’m sorry I let you think it was because of anything you did or said or…or are. In the end I don’t think it had anything to do with you…actually.”

“It had nothing to do with me? What?! Your life remained the same except all of a sudden I wasn’t part of it. You just went back to school and moved on.”

“Even, I’m about to cry in your car on the side of the road in Kongsvinger. I don’t think that means I moved on.”

“But you left! You…you gave up!” Even’s voice cut through Isak with a sharp edge, and then, finally, everything spilled out.

“I was scared! I was scared of you! I was scared of losing you!”

“So…you left me? You were scared of losing me so you…lost me? You’re going to have to walk me through this one Isak.”

Isak twisted his hands in his lap and blinked back tears. But then he looked at Even and lost it. There was no point in pride now.

“If…if I left first, then I would never feel the pain of you…leaving me. You couldn’t hurt me if I…hurt you first.”

Even’s mouth fell open in shock, but his recovery was swift. He twisted forward, turned off the engine, and climbed out of the car with a surprising smoothness for someone who had just been verbally punched in the gut. Isak scrambled to do the same, turning and watching Even across the roof of the car as he paced up and down the road.

After a minute, he stopped.

“Well, Isak, if you wanted to hurt me, congratulations.” Even threw his arms up in the air and let them fall. “Three years and a fucking plane ticket was all it took."

“I didn’t want to hurt you! I never want to hurt you! But this is the only explanation I have. Don’t you remember how perfect everything was?” He waited a beat, but not for an answer. “I was almost done with my first year and you had just started at the agency. I was about to come back to you and we were going to find an apartment and it was going to be an amazing summer.”

It was painful for Isak to remember all of this, to finally admit it. He was nearly shouting just to get it out.

“I was going to wake up next to you every day and you were going to go off and spend hours working and learning and being your amazing artistic self and then you would come home to me and I could not have asked for more. It’s all I wanted, and I got it.”

He was breathing heavily from the effort, from the cold. His sentences slowed.

“And that’s when I realized I had everything. Which meant I also had everything to lose.”

Even stared him down, those clear blue eyes seeing exactly what happened.

“That is not _why_ you stop fighting, Isak. That’s what happens _when_ you stop fighting.”

All Isak could do was nod. He held eye contact, but tears rolled quickly down his cheeks and snot started to freeze below his nose. He swiped at his face with the sleeve of his coat. Watching Isak stand there sniffling and shaking became too much for Even, and he walked around the car toward him. His anger dissipated with every step.

When he reached Isak he gently wiped at his tears with his thumb. Then he leaned in until their foreheads touched, taking Isak’s hands in his own. He started rocking slightly, side to side, as Isak’s breathing returned to normal.

“Thank you for letting me know.”


	13. Thirteen

The thing was, they still needed food. Even got Isak back into the car and they drove to the grocery store, processing the argument in their individual silences. Finally saying everything out loud didn’t resolve anything, really. The admissions and accusations hung between them like a blackout curtain.

In Meny Even grabbed a cart and started walking the aisles. As he pulled out various ingredients he would turn and explain how Isak could use them, giving him a variety of options that weren’t too difficult to throw together. Isak nodded along, trying to remember what Even was saying. Halfway through the store he pulled out his phone and started typing notes.

“I’ll email you recipes,” Even said, when he noticed what Isak was doing. “A lot of it is from my mom. You'll recognize some of them.”

“How is Hilde?”

“She is well. She misses you.” Even had been scanning different filets of fish but suddenly turned to look at Isak. He paused, considering what he wanted to say.

“Did you know that I didn’t tell her we’d broken up until you were back at school? She had been asking after you the whole summer and I kept lying to her.”

Isak reached out and touched the refrigerated shelf to steady himself. He could sense that Even was winding up.

“I thought it was strange at first, that she just kept hearing my excuses and asking again. She had your number, you two would chat regularly. Why didn’t she just ring you up on her own?

“When you came to collect your things I made sure it was while she was at work. I pretended it was a good visit but you were busy and couldn’t stay. She just accepted it. And she never called you, right?”

Isak shook his head. He hadn’t found it strange though. Hilde was always so warm toward him, a nice balance of genuine curiosity about his life and concern for his wellbeing, but they didn’t have a separate relationship of their own.

“She wasn’t like that with Sonja. They call and text all of the time.” Even turned back to the fish and added salmon to their cart.

“I don’t like comparing you to Sonja because that is now a completely different thing, but I think this is a distinction that you should be aware of. She trusts me with you. I trust me with you. So I am here, and she hasn’t called you.”

“Come on, we need milk.” Even spun the cart around and headed into the dairy section. It took Isak a moment to remember how to walk, but then he followed. Even went back to picking out ingredients for the recipes flowing through his brain.

Isak didn’t know what to say, which was becoming a frightening trend. He had been so sure that their conversation back on the side of the road was going to be the end. That he had admitted to such a heinous crime that Even would have no choice but to leave him there and return to his life in Oslo. He had been so sure that Even hated him for inflicting such pain. Except now Even was piling two cartons of eggs into the cart and planning dinners for the rest of the week. Isak looked around, hoping he’d see a familiar face that would pull him out of this dream. But there was just Even, pushing the cart forward now, heading toward the check-out. Again, Isak followed.

* * *

“Even, mate, I’ve got a plan.” Anders twisted away from the television, still chewing a mouthful of perfectly poached salmon.

“Hit me.”

“Now I haven’t talked to Isak about this, but I think it would work for him as well. How about…you move in and cook dinner every night. Ah! Before you respond, let me just sweeten the deal. You can have my room.”

Even’s laugh rumbled through the apartment. “That is a very tempting offer, but you should see if Isak will let you sleep with him first.”

Not to be outdone on the joke, Anders leaned forward and wiggled his eyebrows at Isak. This made Even laugh harder. Isak rolled his eyes but he was smiling too. “Sounds like a deal to me, boys!” Anders shoveled another forkful of fish into his mouth. “But seriously, you should be a chef. This is fantastic.”

“Thank you, Anders. I do enjoy spending time in the kitchen.”

“You are welcome in ours any time. I don’t care what Isak says.”

Isak was simply grateful that Anders and Even got along so well. Anders was a nice distraction to have coming back from the store, and his constant banter with Even kept the tension at bay. Even gave them both a cooking lesson with their dinner preparation, and Anders was overwhelmingly appreciative, balancing out Isak’s more sullen mood.

Isak had kept silent through most of dinner, and now he excused himself to the kitchen. They’d made a proper mess so Isak got started on the clean-up, taking the time alone and the mindless task as a chance to sort his thoughts.

He tried to replay what Even had said in the car, before he exploded out onto the street and Isak fucked everything up. Or, well, fucked most of it up. Even was still here, wasn’t he? His decision to come to Isak was easy, so his decision to leave could have been just as much. But he didn’t. Instead he went and bought Isak enough food to last him for months. He typed up an email with a bunch of his mom’s recipes for him. He cooked for him. Isak felt like he did back when he first went to Even’s apartment for dinner a week and a half ago: nervous, confused, and lost in the shadow of Even’s assuredness. 

Even was right about how they were different people now. Even had always been confident and charismatic, but Isak knew how much effort that had required and how much it would drain him. Except now it seemed to radiate from somewhere deeper, and it didn’t stop. Sure, Even got angry and frustrated, but now he managed to handle it with a calm control and hint of charm. Isak was equally annoyed and impressed by it, and then eventually he felt guilty for wishing against it.

Because he realized now, he was jealous. They used to talk a lot about their fears and anxieties and the best ways to overcome them, but now Isak was missing his own sense of control. What had happened to the guy who could talk Even out of a black hole, get his feet back on solid ground? It felt like, at some point, the certainty of their lives migrated from Isak to Even, and Isak didn’t know how to get it back. And more importantly, he didn’t know how to get it back without stealing it away from Even. The pain he had caused Even was a direct result of his last-ditch attempt at regaining control over his life.

And it didn’t even work. Sure, cutting an entire relationship out of his life helped him focus more on schoolwork and develop an independent life beyond Oslo, but at what cost? Every effort to better his sense of self just highlighted how alone he had become, and every positive he seemed to gain came with an equal if not larger negative. Anyway, whatever new life Isak had built for himself came crashing down with that chance encounter on the street. Now Isak was standing in his kitchen without a clue as to what the world wants for him and with a mystery sitting on his couch.

Or standing right next to him. Even had carried their plates in and stacked them by the sink, shocking Isak out of his reflection. Even leaned his hip against the counter, watching Isak. “You’ve been quiet.”

Isak gave a small shrug. “I’ve said some pretty shitty things today so it’s probably best I don’t say much more.”

“Oh I don’t know. I’d rather hear you say some pretty shitty things than let my mind imagine some _really_ shitty things.” Even reached behind him for the dishtowel hanging from the oven door, handing it over to Isak so he could dry his hands. “Want to play a game?”

Isak slowly wiped his hands, then the counter around the sink. “Which one?”

“99 Red Balloons.”

They came up with this one back when Even had just graduated and was getting anxious about finding a job. Most of his days ended up being steady build-ups of negative thoughts, and as they were trying to talk through it one night, Even described how it felt: “It’s like I’m just sitting here, blowing up a giant balloon full of…full of the worst things. It’s getting bigger and bigger and I’m losing my breath and I just know it’s going to pop.” So Isak asked Even to describe the balloon, what color it was and what was inside. And then he tried to pop it before it got too big.

This was how they could talk to each other. This was how they could handle life, by turning it into a game.

“More like a million red balloons.”

“Then let’s get started.” Even was serious about this game. He crossed his arms over his chest. Isak took a step back and started chewing on the inside of his cheek.

“F-first balloon.”

Even nodded.

“I don’t know what this is. I still can’t believe you’re standing here, but I also can’t believe that you’re leaving tomorrow. I spent three years calling you an ex-boyfriend but this past week makes me think it’s all been a lie. And after this morning maybe all of that is still true.

“There. Starting with a small one.”

This made Even smile. “I don’t know what this is either. But I’ll tell you what I want it to be.”

“God nok.”

“I want it to be comfortable. Exciting. Safe. Sexy. Fun. Challenging. Full. I want to go back to Oslo tomorrow and have a nice dinner with Daniel. I want to make sure he knows how much I appreciated the time we had together but also that I’m in love with someone else. I want to call you as soon as he leaves.

“On Tuesday I want to drink wine with Sonja and talk about you. On Wednesday I want to cancel dinner and Skype you while you try to cook one of the recipes. On Thursday I want to get distracted at work because I was busy thinking about fucking you. On Friday I want to drive from the office to your door without stopping. That’s what I want this to be. What’s your second balloon?” Even uncrossed his arms and shifted closer to Isak so they were both leaning against the sink. Isak gave Even a small smile, but it disappeared quickly.

“Second balloon. What if it happens again? What if I get scared and run away and hurt you? What if I can’t fight?”

“You call me. You talk to me. I know it can be hard to admit that you’re afraid or feeling weak or helpless, especially after how strong you’ve been for me. But it’s okay. It’s natural. It’s so ridiculously human. Telling me about it will help me help you find what you need to not be afraid too. This, what we’re doing right now. This is a pretty good sign that it won’t happen again.

“And I know that you didn’t mean to hurt me. I know that you were just trying to protect yourself. I’m sorry that I…validated your fears. I shouldn’t have let you go. We’re both to blame for what happened three years ago, but we’re also both here right now. I let you go, but you came back.” Even slipped his right hand into Isak’s left, and they watched their fingers fit together. With their heads down, they settled into the silence, just focusing on what it felt like to hold this little part of each other.

A British accent floated in from the living room; Anders had turned on another documentary.

After enough time had passed for Isak to figure out what he needed to say, he took a deep breath and let it out slowly, a slight shudder clinging to the end. “Okay. Third balloon.

“What if I’m not enough?”

Even said nothing, he just pulled Isak into him and squeezed tight. He couldn’t bear to look Isak in the eye let alone see the despair on his face. He couldn’t bear to let him think he’d ever slip away like that. When Even felt Isak’s arms wrap around his own waist, he knew he could breathe again.

“I cannot speak for you or your demons, but I know that you’re the perfect amount for me.” Still holding Isak tight, he whispered into the curls at the nape of his neck. “Some days that is more, and some days that is less. But it is always you.”

Isak squeezed back. There was that certainty. Now if only he could believe in it.


	14. Fourteen

A little after 4 Isak was woken up by the urge to pee. He extracted himself from under Even’s arm as slowly as he could and stood up without shaking the bed. He watched Even curl up into himself without waking up, and then he went to the bathroom.

4 was an odd time to get self-conscious about how he looked, but while he was in the bathroom Isak also splashed his face with water and combed his hair. On his way back to the bedroom he picked up their cell phones from the coffee table. Out of mere curiosity Isak tried to open Even’s phone with the passcode he had three years ago, and...it worked. Even’s home screen flashed to life. Isak was so shocked he almost dropped the phone. He didn’t expect it to work, and even though Even had told him his code back then, it felt wrong that he could still use it now. Or maybe just wrong that he _was_ using it. Isak clicked the phone off and put it back on the table. He took his own and sat down on the couch.

The first text made Even’s phone ping, so Isak reached over and turned it off completely.

  


Isak thought about what else he needed to say, but it all sounded corny in his head, like someone else was trying to sum up the past few days in a greeting card. He scrolled through the emoji but gave up.

He turned off his own phone and went back to the bedroom.

* * *

Isak was dragged out of sleep when he felt Even move away from him. He tightened his grip around Even’s waist and mumbled into his back, “Nei.”

“Isak…” Even whispered as he tried to wiggle free. “I have to go to the hotel.”

“Why.” It came out more as a statement, the kind a child says when they’re not really interested in an answer as much as they just want the attention.

“I have to get my things and check out. I’ll be back in an hour.”

“Nei.” Even had twisted his legs out of bed but Isak pulled him back, sitting up for leverage. Even looked up at him.

“You know, the faster I get out of bed the faster I can get packed and get back in. That’s how time works.”

“Sure, if you believe in time.” Even shifted to face Isak and Isak let go of his waist. He ran his hand through Even’s hair, styling it back to its usual pompadour.

“You don’t?”

“Not when it means you’re leaving.” Isak dropped to his side so he could be on the same level as him.

“When _do_ you believe in time?”

“Only when I have it.” 

“You always have time, Isak. What you don’t have is faith.”

“You do realize you’re saying that to a doctor.”

“ _Future_ doctor. Which, by the way, will take some time and a little bit of faith.” Even stuck his tongue out and then rolled away before Isak could react. Isak threw his pillow at Even’s back as he ran out to the living room.

Isak pulled Even’s pillow toward him, breathing in deeply before adjusting back to a sleeping position. If he fell back asleep then he wouldn’t have to worry about time at all, and Even would be back before he knew it.

And just like that, he was. Even walked back into the room and threw himself on the bed, laying his full weight on Isak. 

“That was fast.” Isak couldn’t move his body but he twisted his head up to Even’s.

“I don’t know what the fuck you were doing at 4 o'clock but thank you for the texts.” Isak blushed. Even kissed him hard and fast, then pushed himself up and was gone.

* * *

Even didn’t want to draw this out unnecessarily. He had packed everything at the hotel, had lunch with Isak, and was itching to get on the road. He had a break-up speech to prepare. “Walk with me to the car.” Even took Isak’s hand and led him outside.

They squinted in the early afternoon sun. Even unlocked the car but didn’t open the door. He turned to face Isak, leaning back against the cold metal. “Thank you for letting me stay with you.” Isak rolled his eyes. “No, I mean it. You didn’t have to let me back into your life, and I’m grateful you did.”

“Yes, well….” Isak tried to steel himself against the wave of emotion that had been threatening to crash all morning. “Me too.”

Even smiled, then grabbed Isak’s coat by the pockets and pulled him toward him. “I’m going to say goodbye now. And when I say goodbye I mean…” Even kissed Isak’s left cheek. “I mean I’ll call you tonight.” Even leaned to Isak’s other cheek and kissed. “I mean I’ll Skype you on Wednesday.” He moved to Isak’s mouth and kissed. “When I say goodbye now I mean I’ll say hello on Friday.” And then another kiss, slow and thoughtful, saying everything else for them.

They looked at each other for a moment, memorizing each other’s faces, preparing for the week ahead. Then Isak stepped back, smiling. “Say hello to Daniel for me. And when I say hello, I mean…”

Even threw his head back and laughed, a cloud of condensation exploding above him. “Oh my god, Isak. I will miss you every minute.”

Isak tilted his head to the side. “Ha det, Even.”

“Ha det, Isak.”


	15. Fifteen

Isak was not used to this. Sure, he had missed Even all of those years, but it had been a dull ache that he was able to suppress into silence. Now, Even’s absence was sharp and uncontrollable, making itself known at every turn. Just running to work that morning, something Isak had been doing for months without occasion, became defined by the fact that Even wasn’t waiting for him back at the apartment.

Isak pushed through the pain, focusing instead on getting to work and being around animals again. The long weekend had been an emotional roller coaster, and Isak was looking forward to the reprieve that straightforward medical care and office administration would give him.

That is, of course, until Ingrid attacked the moment he walked through the back door. “A shelter in Oslo called about Loki.” Isak froze in the hallway, halfway through unwinding his scarf. He could hear Loki barking, but it didn’t register that it was the same dog Ingrid was talking about.

“What do you mean?”

“They’re picking him up tomorrow. They think they’ll be able to place him quickly, which is better than him getting stuck in ours.” Isak couldn’t hide his disappointment, and Ingrid tried to soften the blow. “I know you’ve gotten attached, but this is really the best for him. He needs to be in a home, not a kennel. He’s in the office right now.”

Isak stormed past Ingrid, anxious to see the dog. Of course Loki was just lying by the desk, happy to be free of his crate. His tail started thumping wildly once he saw Isak, and his only concern was whether this new person would also be giving him treats. But Isak’s heart broke a little bit more, knowing his dream of keeping Loki forever was going to stay just that. Isak fell to his knees, letting his body collapse against the metal drawers. Loki pawed at his legs. So much for avoiding the emotional roller coaster.

“It’s only been what, four days?”

“A lot can happen in four days.” Ingrid was leaning against the doorframe looking down at the two of them on the floor, a pair of absolute puppies. “I was emailing with Liv over the weekend and she must have been in touch with shelters in the city. Really Isak, this is a great opportunity for him.”

Isak pulled half of Loki into his lap, cradling as much of him as he could. Loki wiggled free and moved into a play bow. “I hate when you’re right.”

* * *

On his lunch break Isak rolled a chair out to the waiting room and kept Ingrid company at the front desk. “I could move out.”

“Loki cannot wait for you to find another apartment that allows pets with another roommate to help you afford the apartment and another job to help you afford Loki.” Ingrid shot down his half-baked plan and checked in a dog for a spay at the same time.

“I wish we could just…loan him to someone. Send him to a good home for two years, and then once I’ve graduated and have a job I can take him back.”

“Pfft, that’s ridiculous. You’re only allowed to do that with your own children.” Isak laughed. He had told Ingrid what it was like living on his own while he finished high school, and her favorite joke was that he really got a bad deal considering the whole concept of boarding schools.

“You know what? In two years you will have seen hundreds of other Lokis come your way, and there will be yet another waiting for you to save it.”

“But all I want to do is save this Loki.” Isak practically whimpered.

A vet tech came out to usher the dog and its owner to an exam room. Once the waiting room was empty, Ingrid sat down across from Isak.

“I’m afraid the only thing you can do right now is follow the shelter on Instagram. I’ll make them promise to post regular updates.” Isak shot her a sour look but pulled his phone out anyway. Ingrid tapped the leg of his chair. “Speaking of updates…I need to hear how your party went.”

“That’s the smoothest segue I’ve ever heard, Ingrid.” Isak deadpanned, still looking at his phone.

“I think you owe me a story. It’s not everyday that an ex shows up in your waiting room.”

Isak looked up with a sly smile.

“That was very Grey’s Anatomy, by the way.”

“I hope that’s where the similarities end.”

“Did you get back together? He was so excited to see you.”

Isak hesitated before he answered. Of course they were; they were back together before he even knew it. They were back together because Even broke up with Daniel for him. They were back together because after the weekend, that was the only possibility for them. But he couldn’t help letting doubt bubble to the surface. “Yes?”

“Yes?”

“Yes.” He gave a firm nod, doing his best to banish the skepticism.

Ingrid clapped with glee, which made Isak smile again, but then she swiftly moved into her strategy mode. “Is he still here or did he go back to Oslo?”

“He drove back yesterday.”

“So it’s going to be a long distance thing?”

“Sort of? He’s not too far away, and we’ve done this before. We were together when I was a freshman and visited each other on the weekends.”

“Sounds like you’re just picking up where you left off then.”

Isak shrugged. Sometimes it felt like that, like they hadn’t actually spent three years apart, because of how quickly they had settled into each other’s orbit. But other times, when he noticed the slight changes in Even’s face, or how his starved skin burned under Even’s touch, or just the fact that Even was driving him around in a car, that’s when he had to pause to remember that things were actually very different.

“We didn’t talk too much about…what it was going to be like. I mean, I’m 98% sure he’s driving back up here after work on Friday but beyond that I don’t know.”

“You mean after you hooked up you didn’t immediately draft a five-year plan?” Ingrid clucked. “Have I not taught you anything during this internship?”

“Even if you did want to teach me about relationships, I don’t know if I could listen to someone who got married at 20.” 

Ingrid raised her hands in surrender. “Technically I’m an anomaly, yes, but I can read you like a book and I know a thing or two about committed relationships. And I’d really like to see this work for you.”

“Takk for the support.” Isak softened. “It means a lot.”

“I can’t help you keep a dog but we’ve got this boyfriend thing locked down.” 

Isak needed this vote of confidence, especially after the rough morning. He hadn’t ever really opened up to Ingrid about his dating life, but it seemed like he didn’t have to. The lack of juicy morning after stories and excessive drooling over a doctor had said it all for him anyway. Isak appreciated the fact that Ingrid never pressed for details or history, but was ready to listen now.

“He…he did ask about what I’ll do after the internship is over, and it felt like he wanted to talk about…us.”

“What did you tell him?”

“I guess I kind of avoided it. I actually hadn’t thought about my plans outside of school, and it felt like it was too big of a question to answer.”

“Maybe it was. You’ve only been back together for four days.”

But so much had happened in four days.

* * *

On Wednesday evening Isak climbed into bed with his laptop, ready to call Even. After work he had showered and changed into a proper shirt, feeling the anticipation as if he were going on an actual date. He ran his hands through his hair while Skype dialed, and casually admired Even’s avatar.

But then the screen burst to life and there was…Sonja. “Hei Isak!” She was very close to the camera. Isak, in shock, just stared at her teeth.

“Isak!”

“Heiiiii!” He heard Thomas and Lise’s voices off screen. Sonja shook the laptop as she lifted it off the table, and for a minute all Isak could see was her neck. This most definitely wasn’t what he expected, but then he realized he didn’t know what to expect. He tried to relax his face and not get dizzy from whatever Sonja was doing. 

When everything settled down, Isak was looking at Even’s torso from the side; he figured Sonja must have carried the computer into the kitchen because Even was hunched over the sink. Sonja tilted up the screen until Isak could see Even’s head. Even turned and smiled. “Give me a minute and then I’ll take you to my room. Just finishing up dinner stuff.”

“Have a good time, boys.” Sonja’s voice sang as she drifted away.

Isak watched Even wash the last of the pans from dinner, appreciating the amount of concentration he put into the most mundane task. It was also comforting to see Even’s life continuing as it was, the routines that were still in place and the world that wasn’t affected by the fever dream that had been the weekend. Isak needed that perspective to ground him. Everything was different but also everything was the same.

Even turned off the faucet, flipped the last pan onto the rack, and wiped his hands on his pants. “How was your day?”

Isak shrugged. “Okay. A little quieter now that Loki is gone. Got to assist another hip surgery though.”

“With the hot doctor?”

“You know his name, Even.”

“Yes but it’s more fun to watch your face when I call him that.” Isak dropped his head into his hands and dragged his fingers down his face. He knew he was blushing. Even chuckled, but then picked up the laptop and carried it out of the kitchen. Isak took the moment to recover.

“I just realized you haven’t seen my room yet. Are you ready?”

“You don’t know how long I’ve been waiting for this.” Even shouldered open his door and swept the laptop in front of him, slowly presenting Isak to his personal space.

And somehow it was more Even than Even himself. Every inch of wall was covered, with photos and sketches and posters and paintings, explosions of color mixed with delicate black and white. Some things were properly framed and hung while others were curling at the corners and tacked up with tape, but there was beauty even in that. It was messy yet reverent, a rush of emotion with a hint of restraint. It was Even pointing at the world and saying, “I need to keep that.”

Right then Isak wanted nothing more than to crawl through the screen and see it in person. There was also a bed, nightstand, desk, and drafting table, but that was it. A large window across from the bed let the city lights in. It was clear that the rest of the room was simply in service of his mind: sleep when he needed it, work when it was called for, a glass of water standing by. Everything else was art.

“When can I move in?” Isak joked.

Even sat down at his desk with the computer, plugging it in and adjusting the screen to get himself into frame.

“When is your next day off?”

“Saturday.”

“Then Saturday.” Even held the joke in his eyes but he was talking so matter-of-factly that Isak almost believed he’d be moving in with him over the weekend. Isak looked around his own room; the sparse cleanliness used to be such a comfort to come home to, but now it simply felt empty. Back on the screen Even was twisting back and forth in his chair, waiting.

“It’s funny…I think about something to tell you like, every five minutes, and now that I can actually talk to you I don’t know what to say. What did _you_ do at work today?”

“We had team meetings and I got assigned a couple of new projects.”

“Anything exciting?”

Even pouted a bit. “Not yet. But I need to do a bit more brainstorming with my group before things get interesting. At the beginning it’s all just….” He fluttered his hands around his head. “I need to find the focus point first, and then I can have fun.”

Isak didn’t quite understand the details of Even’s agency, but he could see how his skills came into play, how his creativity just had to be matched with the right idea before it could come out in full force. It had been thrilling to watch when Even was just starting his job, and it relieved Isak to know that it was still working for him.

They kept talking about their days, sharing the little details from the past 24 hours that didn’t mean much to them now but drew them closer inch by inch. They let their minds drift together, with small touches and bumps making a lazy dance across the internet. Occasionally they’d break away to look at their phones or shift positions or brush their teeth, but they always came back. This was when the world started shrinking down to just each other and the night felt endless.

Eventually Even moved to his bed. He was on his side, his head propped up with one arm. He had Spotify open and was introducing Isak to some new songs, watching him for the reactions that Isak couldn’t hide. Most of the time he was a human skip button, but tonight Isak was enjoying the softer playlist Even was building.

It was when the music stopped, when Isak was expecting another song to start but heard nothing, that his attention snapped back to Even on screen. “Is that the end?”

“No, I just thought of something I wanted to ask you. Or tell you.” Even looked down at his keyboard. “I know you want to stay in Kongsvinger after your internship is done, but I’d really like it if you came back to Oslo. If you came back here.” Isak didn’t say anything, and it was a while before Even looked up again. “So…yeah. Just putting that out there. This is fine right now and we’ll see each other every weekend but…I do want more.”

Lying there, watching Even watch him, Isak realized that he still wanted it, the fantasy that had scared him so much all those years ago. He was satisfied with his life in Kongsvinger but spending time with Even made him realize he wanted more too. He hadn't allowed himself that desire, avoiding the disappointment of unrealized expectations, but there was Even, just waiting within reach. His desire, getting stronger with every minute, was becoming a need so loud that it was silencing the voices that had been trying to protect him. The voices that shaped his world with fear, defining what he could and couldn't think or do or want. The clinic was safe. His apartment was safe. School was safe. And safety was all he had. Until now. When Even was showing him how easy it could be to want, to have, more.

Isak nodded. Even smiled big and brilliantly, a sun breaking through the clouds.


	16. Sixteen

Isak hadn’t watched the clock like this since he had been in a lecture hall. He set his phone on the counter next to the vaccines he was drawing and labeling, constantly looking over at it for the flash of a text or just to watch the time creep slowly forward. Even had said he was leaving by 17 and it was nearly 18:30. Isak had checked the route on Google Maps about fifty times.

And now, fuck, he had lost count of the last draw. He corrected the dosage and shook his head. “Focus.” It had been five long days, and every mistake would make it longer. Isak collected the filled syringes and moved them to the fridge, taking one last tally and marking the set for inventory. They were prepped for next week’s vaccine run, and now all he had left to do was file the day’s charts.

At the front desk Isak tried to get a look at the parking lot through the windows, to see if Even’s car was there. Not recognizing any of them in the dark, he hefted the pile of charts into his arms and carried them to the back office. Ingrid followed him in, pulling off the gloves that she was wearing to scrub down the exam rooms. “No ride today, right?”

“Right, thanks. Even should be here any minute.”

“Oh look at you, you’re about to burst out of your skin.”

“That obvious, huh?”

“It’s cute. Young love.” Isak smiled to himself. Ingrid picked up her phone and walked back out.

Isak did his usual flipping through of the charts, refreshing what he saw during today’s appointments and lining up the procedures that were coming up for the more serious cases. There were a few farm calls that Lars had to make next week and Isak wanted to tag along. In the very least it would distract him from the parade of dogs that come through, each reminding him of Loki in their little ways. Isak flipped the last folder closed and slid it into its place on the shelf. He picked up his phone again and opened Instagram, pulling up the shelter that promised to post about Loki, but there wasn’t anything new since he had last checked. Then, a notification.

Instantly Isak’s heart began to race. He grabbed his coat and made a beeline for the front door; the sudden impending reality of Even pushed the entire week out of his brain. Isak caught sight of Even and shoved open the door, barely registering the shock of cold piercing through his scrubs or the distance his legs had to carry him across the parking lot. There was Even. Here was Even.

As Isak approached Even straightened away from the side of the car he was leaning against, but he didn’t get very far. Isak walked straight into him, trying to smile and kiss him at the same time, but mostly just knocking their weight back onto the car. Even laughed, but brought his hands up to cradle Isak’s face and shift him into position for a proper kiss. “Hello.”

“Please drive faster next time.” Isak kissed him again, already loving the memory of Even’s lips.

“Isak.” His head whipped around at the sound of his name. Ingrid was standing off to the side; his tunnel vision upon sighting Even had made her invisible.

“Jesus Christ. Have you been here the whole time?” He stepped away from Even but Even grabbed his hand before he got too far.

“I was talking to Even before you ran out here and…” She slapped her hands together. “But before you go, can you stay late Monday? We might be extra busy with the vaccine run.”

“Yeah, sure.”

“Thank you. Uh…as you were.” Ingrid walked back to the clinic.

“Well that was fucking professional. Why didn’t you stop me?” Isak gave Even a small shove.

“I’m never going to stop you from kissing me. And it’s fine. We’ll kiss in front of my boss next week.” Isak rolled his eyes to distract from the fact that he was blushing. It sounded like a good idea though.

Isak walked around the car and opened the passenger side door. “Want to go out for dinner?” They dropped into their seats.

“I can cook at your place. You still have all of that food, right?”

“Ah, yeah. I didn’t get very far with those recipes.”

Even laughed again. “I wasn’t expecting you to become a chef overnight. I just wanted to make sure you were eating.” Even started the car and reversed out of the space.

Isak barely registered the drive back to the apartment. He stared at Even the entire time, at his profile, at his hands on the wheel, at his thighs when his feet shifted on the pedals. He was in love with this moment, being there with Even, something that he had been anticipating in just the right way. No surprises, no disappointments, just a man who would glance over at him and smile because he could. It was so easy, a simple payoff for a week apart.

At the apartment Even parked in front of the door and pulled his bag from the backseat. "I brought some things to leave here. I hope you don't mind."

Isak's initial reaction made him laugh.

"What?"

"No...it's...." He climbed out of the car. "It's fine. Kinda sexy."

Even stood up and leaned over the roof. "Sexy? My toothbrush is turning you on?"

"Ja. Or just...knowing that you're staying here. I like it." Isak walked over to the steps, then turned around to make sure Even was following. He didn't want to see how Even reacted to his admission but he also didn't want to stop looking at him. He realized he was being ridiculous when he saw Even, bag slung across his back, smiling and slowly making his way toward him.

"If this is what happens to you when I bring a toothbrush, then let me tell you what else is in here."

Isak went up one step backward. He was now at Even's height, challenging Even as he advanced.

"I have three t-shirts. And I'm only taking one back with me." Again Isak laughed at how such a basic topic of conversation was turning dirty with just the tone of Even's voice. He gave Even a quick peck, then backed up two more steps.

"There is also an extra pair of pants in here." Even climbed to meet him.

"What color?" Three steps.

"I...can't remember."

"How disappointing. I was so excited to hear about...your pants." Four steps, quickly this time. Even stared him down and kept the chase slow.

"I also have my deodorant. I know you like that."

"Oh you got me there. My number one weakness." Isak broke eye contact, turning to take the last few steps to the top. He fished his keys out of his pocket. Just hearing Even's footsteps behind him made his hands shake, and he struggled opening the door.

"But it really is." Even had caught up and now his breath was hot on Isak's neck, his arms wrapping around his waist. Isak pushed forward into the entryway, then turned and pulled Even into him. The door slammed behind them.

"Faen." Isak breathed, a little overwhelmed by how fast that escalated but oh so ready for more. Even kissed him then stepped back, pulling his bag over his head and shrugging off his coat. He kissed Isak again while he tried to kick off his shoes. Isak struggled with the same so they separated for the briefest of moments, and then came crashing back together. Isak walked backward into the living room, pulling Even by the hips and teasing him with his lips.

But then he caught sight of Anders's bedroom door and fell back to earth. "Damn it, I forgot that Anders is home."

Without looking away, Even answered, “No he's not, something came up.” Even started kissing Isak’s neck, giving a little bite to get him to focus.

“Wait, how do you know?”

“Because it's my dick, now let's go.” Even pushed Isak toward his room and followed him in, unbuttoning his shirt as they walked. Isak closed his own door behind them, but was still clearly confused. Even tossed his shirt on the floor and reached for the hem of Isak’s scrubs.

“Wait no, seriously, he said he would be home because I asked him about dinner. What if something happened?” Even pulled up Isak’s top, forcing his arms above his head. When his face reappeared it was wrinkled with concern.

“It’s fine Isak. I texted him to ask for the apartment tonight, and he easily made other plans.”

Isak’s face relaxed, and Even kissed the small smile that floated up. “Just tell me next time.”

“I thought my joke was funny!” Even unzipped his pants and pulled them off with his briefs in one swift motion.

“I don’t think you want me laughing at your dick.”

But he was laughing, and there was Even’s dick, and Isak was in love with this moment too.

“Whatever. I had to make sure he'd be gone because I'm about to make you scream."

* * *

Saturday was a blur. They slept, they talked, they fucked, they kissed, they laughed, they breathed. They heard Anders make an exaggerated amount of noise when he came home. Even left the bedroom twice, once to get his bag and again to get them some food, but Isak stayed cocooned in bed, blissfully unaware of the time or the rest of the world. Whenever Even came back he clung to him tighter each time, trying to commit the heat of his skin and the hum of his heartbeat to memory. This is what he would need to survive another week.

“Hmm.”

“What?” Isak lifted his head off Even’s chest to see what was wrong. Even was looking at his phone.

“I have to go back earlier than I had planned tomorrow.”

“How early?”

“Probably by 9, to be safe.”

“What for?”

“A meeting.”

“On a Sunday?”

“It happens. It’s dumb.” Even typed out a response and clicked his phone off, tossing it to the end of the bed. “Sometimes clients get scared and we have to scramble on projects.”

“Humans are the worst.”

“Mmm. You’re pretty great though.” Even shimmied down so he could look at Isak directly.

“Well I know _that_.”

“Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you, the most humble boyfriend in the world.” Isak snuck his hand up Even’s shirt and pinched his waist. Even laughed and twisted away, but neither of them wanted that, so he moved back, closer, resting half of his body on Isak’s. The weight felt good.

“I can call you that, right?” Even whispered into Isak’s hair and it felt more like a wish than a question.

“Humble?”

“Boyfriend.”

They knew it had only been a short time, but all of their time was short. Weekends and phone calls separated by long drives and long days. Surely they weren’t bound by the same rules, the ones that made you wait and question and test each other. They had done all of that.

“Okay?” It came out soft, another wish.

“Okay?” Even shook Isak’s shoulder.

“Yes. Okay.”

“Good. Good! This will make kissing you in front of my boss much easier to explain.”

Isak blushed and buried his face in the pillow, unsure about how much Even was joking about the kissing but imagining it anyway. And then he realized he didn’t need to imagine it because Even was right there, smiling at him, running his hand up and down his back. So he closed his eyes and kissed him.

Isak kissed his boyfriend.


	17. Seventeen

The extra hours Isak was putting in for the vaccine runs left him exhausted at the end of the day. Trying to keep the dogs and cats from attacking each other while their handlers were getting the certificates completed was an effort itself, and then when you throw syringes into the mix, Isak was surprised he made it out alive. In exchange for the grunt work, or maybe because he was the only spare hand at 8 on Thursday morning, Lars asked him to come on a farm call to assist with a foaling.

“And this, Isak, is why we have you doing inventory all of the time. When we get time-sensitive calls like this it’s best to not have to worry about what we have on hand. We just go.” Lars and Isak climbed into the clinic’s van and were on the road within minutes after the phone call. Isak looked back at the compartments that he had to restock every week, hoping he didn’t miss anything in his latest check. 

Lars glanced over at him as he drove. “Excited?”

“Yes. I mean it’s unfortunate that we need to intervene, but….”

“Right, well, we sort of knew this might happen again. Ever hopeful it wouldn’t, but nature has its own ideas.”

Lars went silent as he focused on driving, so Isak took the time to run through the steps they’d have to take in order to reposition the foal and ensure a safe delivery. He didn’t think he’d have much to actually do since Lars would be handling the horse, but he had to be ready to step in just in case.

Isak’s phone pinged.

His mood instantly soured. This week had been more of a distraction than last week, but he had still been getting excited to see Even. Now he’d have to settle for more screen time whenever Even’s schedule would allow.

“What…” Isak caught himself asking a question out loud, but realized he couldn’t take it back now. “What made you stay here in Kongsvinger? I mean, did you ever consider working anywhere else?”

“Thinking about your future, huh?”

“Not willingly, but yes.” This made Lars chuckle.

“I actually was up north for a couple years before coming back here. It was mostly a business decision because the practice I was with wasn’t doing very well. I also knew Dr. Lunde’s plan to expand this clinic and it lined up with my career goals. I’m lucky he likes me, and that I like this town. You have another year to go, right?”

“Yup.”

“Well, think about your specialty. I know you like large animals, so being out here helps. But this is a business too, and that will take precedence in certain cases. We’re lucky we have Ingrid to keep our bleeding hearts in check.

“And I know you’re under pressure to find a job but…take your time with school. You’re there to learn. And staying open to the learning will help you find what direction you want to go in.”

They both were silent while Isak took in Lars’s advice. When Lars spoke again, it sounded like he was talking more to himself.

“People can get stuck in what they think they’re supposed to be doing and that can do more harm than good.”

Isak looked over at him but didn’t ask for details. He certainly had enough of his own mistakes to reflect on, and he knew what it was like to end up doing the exact thing you were trying to avoid.

Lars pulled down a dirt road and Isak could see the barn in the distance. He felt anxiety in the air as they approached, a mix of his own and what was radiating from the too-still farm. A couple of trucks were pulled up to the entrance to the barn, and once they parked alongside Isak could hear the high squeals of a mare in distress. They hopped out of the van and Lars pointed out what they needed to bring in. He didn’t expect to use much beyond gloves but he wanted to be prepared; if it got worse they wouldn’t have time to run back out for supplies. Isak followed his lead.

In the barn Lars was friendly but direct. He got a brief update from the owner while he pulled on a gown and gloves, and then he stepped into the stall. Isak stood in the aisle with the owner, silent and observant, ready to run in should Lars need a hand. But it didn’t seem like he did. With a bit of effort Lars repositioned the foal, then quickly stepped back once he saw the two front legs. They watched as the foal inched out, and Lars joined them in the aisle once he was confident that everything was on track.

“The walking helped. Didn’t have to shift too much. And…there’s the head. I don’t think she’ll take more than ten minutes after all of this.” All eyes were on the mare but Lars whispered his prognosis to the owner. Isak tried to keep track of all the questions he wanted to ask for when they were back in the van.

This wasn’t the first birth Isak had seen but it still made him emotional. The complications had ramped up the tension in the barn, and once the foal was out and both horses were shifting around, relief flooded through each of them. Lars’s voice was lighter when he leaned over to Isak. “We need to wait for the placenta and dip the navel, but we should be done in an hour. Decent way to start the morning.” Isak smiled, but then turned away to get the iodine ready.

“Thanks for letting me tag along.” He handed Lars the small cup of liquid and a clean towel.

“That’s what you’re here for, Isak.” Lars clapped him on his shoulder with his free hand. “Calls can be rough, and you need to learn about those too, but once in a while you get a great one.”

Lars went back into the stall and Isak watched him go through the last few steps with ease. They had two healthy horses and a placenta to test back at the clinic, which was the best possible outcome for an emergency call. Isak didn’t feel so tired now, invigorated by their success and a renewed sense of clarity.

Isak also realized that if something like this had happened three weeks ago, he would have been completely distracted. He was getting solid career advice from a mentor and taking in a proper procedure, a far cry from the unfocused pining that had dominated the exam rooms of the past. Not that Isak didn’t still appreciate Lars’s bone structure, but he was comfortable enough to not get caught up in some romantic unknown. Instead he was locking placenta in a cooler and stuffing the soiled gloves and towels into a bag, being a good student just for the sake of his education.

Isak took one last look at the horses and issued a silent goodbye. He picked up the cooler and cases, heading back out to the van. Lars followed shortly after.

“Did I ever tell you about the time I left a placenta in the wrong fridge? Ingrid found it on her lunch break. And she didn’t talk to me for a week.”

* * *

When Even finally called that night, Isak had already fallen asleep. The ringtone woke him up though, and he scrambled to answer while his brain dragged itself back to consciousness.

“Ohhhhh did I wake you up?”

“No. Yes. I didn’t mean to fall asleep.”

“You should go back to bed. I just wanted to apologize about this weekend.”

“It’s fine. I mean, I’m bummed but I know how work can get in the way. Are you…outside?” Isak could hear the rumble of the city in the distance.

“Yeah, I’m uh, walking back from the tram and didn’t want to miss our usual time.”

“That’s nice of you. It’s so late though. Does this happen a lot?” 

“Not like this. It’s definitely a special case.”

“I hope it isn’t throwing you off too much.” Isak knew how much Even preferred a regular schedule, but he tried to pass off the worry in his voice as just considerate concern.

“I can handle it.”

They both listened to each other’s worlds for a moment, Isak’s muffled breathing as his phone pressed against his pillow and Even’s footsteps as he walked through the night.

“I miss you,” Isak whispered. His eyes drooped closed but he kept talking, not wanting to lose the connection. “I like missing you. Though I managed to not think about you for two whole hours this morning.”

Even’s laugh boomed.

“That’s nice…I think. I’m still working on getting beyond five minutes myself.”

“It’s just so distracting when all I want is to be in your room with you. I’m going to fuck something up if it gets any worse.”

“You won’t fuck anything up. Or even if you do, you can fix it.”

“I’ll fix it.”

“Hey, you know what I figured out today?”

“What?”

“How many days until your internship is over.”

“How many?”

“Too many.”

“You were always so good at math.”

“Sonja might move in with Thomas. His lease is up in April.”

“I thought she liked your place though.”

“She does, but between us she might like Thomas more.”

“That’s cute.” Isak let out a little yawn.

“Okay I’m going to let you go. Skype on Saturday morning?”

“Pleaaaaase.”

“Love you.”

“Love you.” Isak thought he heard Even make a kissing sound, but the call ended before he could react. He shoved his phone away and descended back into sleep.

* * *

“Is Even picking you up today?” Ingrid was back at her post at the front desk, doing her best to walk Isak through their new calendar system. It was part of a whole efficiency suite that they were upgrading, but it was going to take some time before they got anywhere near efficient with it. They had just spent 15 minutes trying to find February’s appointments.

“No, but I’m going to run home tonight.”

“Oh. I thought this was going to be a regular thing.”

“It is. He just has to do work in the city this weekend. He’s really busy.”

“Are you going to visit him?”

Isak had thought about it, and Even had made it clear that he was welcome to stay with him, but there was still a hesitancy that held him back in Kongsvinger. So far that’s the only place they existed, in Even’s car, at Isak’s apartment, walking along the river. He wasn’t sure how he would fit back in Oslo, even though he’d be going back eventually. Isak sighed. “I should.”

This made Ingrid snort. “Well not like that.”

“Huh?”

“Don’t go if you don’t want to.”

“No, I do. It just makes me a little nervous. We’ve only been together here, and Oslo feels like a bigger step.”

A weekend visit still had him inserting himself into Even's robust life, hanging out with his friends and trying not to disturb Sonja. Not to mention spending time with his mother, who was still unaware of the latest developments. As far as she knew, he just had an unremarkable dinner with Even and wouldn’t mention him again for another couple of years. He had to tell her at some point though, if only to explain why he’d be back home that summer.

“Take your time.” Ingrid turned back to the computer and closed a bunch of windows in order to get some work done. Isak chewed on his lip, wanting more advice but unsure how to ask about it.

“I _have_ been looking up clinics in Oslo.”

Ingrid let out an exaggerated gasp. “Are you cheating on me?” She smiled over her shoulder. “For the summer?”

Isak nodded. Ingrid had been joking but he still felt a twinge of guilt. Moving to Kongsvinger had been the best decision for his education, and leaving a place that had taught him so much would be hard.

“Smart. Let me know if anything looks interesting. I might have connections.”

“Thanks.”

“But you’re not leaving here until we figure out this stupid calendar.”

* * *

Later that night, Isak listened to a voicemail message that had come through while he was in the shower. He recognized Ingrid’s voice.

“You know, I was just thinking…. Life, if you do it right, is always a bigger step. That’s all. God natt, Isak.”

Isak smiled. But now he was _really_ going to miss Kongsvinger. He texted Even.


	18. Eighteen

Isak grabbed a window seat. The sun was up and he settled in to watch the blues and whites and greys and browns fly by. He had an hour to go and too much to think about. Isak swiped through the various apps on his phone, checking for updates on Facebook, Snapchat, and Instagram. He pulled up the Oslo shelter’s account for what felt like the millionth time, ever hopeful that he’d see a photo of Loki at the top of the feed. But there were just a couple of cats. He went back to Facebook, starting the update loop again. 

He was nervous. Acting on his impulses was still new to him, and his decision to go to Oslo for the weekend wasn’t terribly thought out. He had figured out the train schedule and threw a change of clothes into his backpack, but that was it. Even had kept distracting him with selfies from karaoke night.

He indulged in his worry for a bit, but tried to control it. He focused on the homes and farms off in the distance, the herds of animals out for brief turns in the snow. This was the life he had accepted for himself, something small and quiet and manageable. It was the peaceful present and the predictable future. Horses and cows and dogs and goats, running along the river, a party every once in a while, eventually, maybe, another man. No surprises, emotions in check.

And that all looked fine out the window of the train. It looked nice. But it also looked like…just one option. His anxiety about the future morphed into an exploration instead. He’d always asked himself what his life would look like, but now he was asking himself what could his life look like? Was he back in Kongsvinger? Maybe staying close to school in Ås? Would he go wherever a clinic would have him? Or would he find out that he was more passionate about research and education? And what about the rest of his life?

What about these weekends with Even, the ones he was speeding toward? What about the summer in Oslo, also promised without too much thought? He could plan out his school and maybe even his career, but all of that was pointless once he factored in Even. Because Even….

The train whipped through a tunnel, and in the darkness Isak realized he could never contain Even in words or images or ideas. Thinking about him was just a reminder that he would never be able to think about all of him. He was both the control and the chaos, the only constant and the only change. He was the reason Isak wanted to plan a future, but he was also the reason that Isak couldn’t.

And it made him smile. It was thrilling. The train left the tunnel and every passenger blinked with the return of the sun, Isak raising his head to the warmth. It used to scare him, not knowing what might happen, this good life primed only for the bad. But now he leaned into the unknown, certain that this good life was good because he shared it with someone who will fight the bad with everything he has.

All of that strength, all of that love. Looking back he couldn’t believe that he had run away from it all.

His phone vibrated with a notification. It was a photo that Even just posted to Facebook, a bit blurry but recognizable. Even was sitting on the steps outside of Sentralstasjon, his legs extended in front of him. The focus was on the tiger in the distance, and a bunch of people milling about. Isak was tagged on the tiger’s tail. The caption read: _Waiting for my man._

Isak checked the time and chuckled; he was still 20 minutes away. But he was coming.

* * *

They held hands the whole way home. From the station to the tram through the park across from Even’s building, right into the elevator. They bobbed and weaved through crowds, slowing down and speeding up but never letting go. On they tram they talked about their plans for that night, eating and relaxing at home but then meeting up with some of Even’s work friends to go dancing. Isak told Even he was invited over to Marianne’s for lunch on Sunday, but there was no pressure to go. Even said he’d love to, squeezing his hand so Isak knew he meant it, but they should wait to see how they feel in the morning.

Walking through the park Isak realized he hadn’t ever seen Even’s neighborhood in the daylight. It was cold but there were still people out and about, other couples strolling just like them, families rushing places before their weekends ran out. Isak’s cheeks went red remembering the last time he was at the apartment, the tense conversation and the way he had left Even standing on the sidewalk. He shook his head and banished the feeling, his lesson learned and a silent promise made. He didn’t have to keep that memory anymore and he didn’t have to know how much it had hurt.

“What?”

“Nothing. Just excited to see your high ceilings again.”

“Oh, so that’s why you came all the way to the city.”

“Uh, _ja_. Why else?”

“I have no idea.” Even stopped at the door of his building and kissed Isak, one hand still holding his and the other fishing for his keys in his coat pocket. “I mean, that wouldn’t have anything to do with it, right?”

“Nope. Not at all.”

Even pulled him into the lobby and punched the button for the elevator. He bounced on the balls of his feet while they waited, a bit of nervous energy to spare. Isak squeezed his hand.

“Hey.”

After a second Even turned to focus on Isak.

“Thank you for letting me stay with you.” Even’s face exploded into a smile, and then the elevator opened.

The ride up was faster this time, without any children or Isak’s cold feet getting in the way. But something was bothering Even; he fiddled with his keys and watched the floor numbers climb. Isak tried to catch his eye again. “Is everything okay?”

Even’s face quickly scrunched into a mask of skepticism. “Of course. Just, you know, work stuff.”

“I promise I won’t get in the way with whatever you need to get done.” They exited on the fourth floor and made their way to Even’s door.

“If I wanted you to do that I’d send you back to Kongsvinger right now.” Even let go of Isak’s hand and threw his shoulder against the door to open it. He called out as they entered.

“Hallo?”

“Hei!” Sonja called back from the kitchen. They kicked off their shoes and followed her voice.

“Isak!”

“Hei Sonja.” He went over and kissed her cheek. Her eyes darted from Even to Isak and back. 

“I’m heating up leftover lasagna, if you want some.”

“I’m good, thanks. Is…something going on?” Even’s nervous energy had filled the kitchen, and the way he was staring at Sonja seemed strange. Isak looked at them both.

“No. I mean, you’re here. That’s…exciting.” Sonja whipped around and opened the oven to check on her food. Isak turned to Even.

“Even—“

And then he saw it. Next to Even, on the floor at the end of the counter, a stainless steel bowl of water.

"Where is he?" Isak’s eyes snapped back to Even’s face, where the tension had disappeared and a smile was crinkling up his eyes. Even cocked his head toward the hallway. Isak ran.

Ever since Isak had seen a pixelated tour of Even’s bedroom on Skype, he had imagined what it would be like the first time he was there in person. How he’d take his time with each wall. How he’d ask Even about each piece of art. How he’d laugh at the comics and wonder what the paintings would look in the morning light or an early sunset. How he’d feel lucky to see this part of his boyfriend, something that no media campaign or instagram feed would ever capture.

And that would happen eventually. Isak would have a year of weekends in this apartment, and he’d experience this room time and time again.

But right now, when he pushed open the door, he saw nothing but a flurry of black fur. Loki burst out, hopping and nipping until Isak dropped to the floor and wrapped his arms around the wiggling body. He buried his face in Loki’s fur and started shaking, in excitement and relief and gratitude.

Loki tried to back out of Isak’s embrace to lick his face. His nails slipped on the wood floor, and, giving up, he rolled onto his side. His tail thumped wildly while Isak rubbed his ribs.

Isak didn’t stop petting him, but he twisted around to look up at Even in the doorway.

“So…maybe I lied about work.”

“Is this…? What? How? Fuck, how did you—?” Isak was so happy but so confused.

“Ingrid helped me arrange it. After you stole him that night I knew we had to keep him.”

“What….” He looked at Loki, then back at Even, then at Loki again. He almost couldn’t believe this was real. Loki was here. Isak had run out of words.

“He had to be surrendered to the shelter but Ingrid made sure I was first in line. I had to leave early last weekend because they were bringing him over for a home visit.”

“Oh you fucker, that was your work meeting? He’s been here this whole time?” Even shrugged with a smirk, then slid down to join them on the floor. Isak felt another wave of emotion crash over him. He leaned over and kissed Even. Loki scrambled to his feet and tried to insert himself between them.

“Jesus…what’s it been like? Is Sonja okay with it? Are you even allowed to have dogs here?”

“Isak, I may be impulsive but I’m not stupid. Loki is allowed to be here. Sonja loves him. I was coming back on lunch breaks to walk him but he doesn’t seem to need those. I think he spends most of the day sunbathing in the living room. He already knows which side of the bed is yours.”

“This is just so amazing. Thank you.” Isak kissed him again, a little longer this time. Loki sniffed them. 

“Now you’ll have to come down every weekend.” Isak laughed and nodded. Even’s face softened to match his more serious tone. “Now you'll have to move in this summer.”

“Even.”

He didn’t respond, still waiting for an answer. He kept a straight face, but his eyes held all of the hope in the world.

“Even. Did you adopt a dog just so I would move in with you?”

“Would you? Move in with me?”

“Yes but…Even, that is not why you adopt a dog.” Now it was Even’s turn to laugh. This was one of the biggest steps for them to take and Isak couldn’t help but make sure Even’s intentions for the dog were pure.

“No. No no no. The moving in, that was just now. Loki has been part of the plan since the beginning of time.

“You see…life had to start. Humanity had to evolve. Dogs had to be domesticated. Your great-great-great-great-grandfather had to meet your great-great-great-great-grandmother. I had to pull out all of the paper towels in the bathroom of a high school. You had to bring Loki home with you two weeks ago. I had to see how much joy and love he brought into your life. And then I had to figure out how I could do that for you every single day.”

“But you already do that every single day.”

They looked at each other, reading what each other wasn’t saying.

“Loki is here because I want him to be here. And he would stay here, with or without you. But that doesn’t matter anymore, because you _are_ staying here, with him, with me.”

“I am,” Isak whispered. “We are.”

Loki licked at the tear falling down Even’s cheek.

* * *

The Villa was fun. Even dressed Isak in something a little more hip than what he had brought with him, and they danced until 2. Isak met Even’s coworkers but didn’t remember any of their names. After they left, sweaty and tired, they leaned against a brick wall a few blocks away and kissed until they got too cold and had to put their coats on.

Back at the apartment Even whistled for Loki. “We’re working on a late night routine.” It took a minute, but then they heard Loki’s nails clicking on the hardwood and he met them at the door.

“I can walk him.”

“No, we’re just going to be really quick. Go get ready for bed.”

Isak didn’t put up a fight. He was exhausted, and the high from dancing and drinking was wearing off fast. He went to the kitchen to get them glasses of water, then padded to the bedroom. He didn’t turn on the lights, just letting the glow of the city filtering in through the window guide him. Somehow he found the energy to brush his teeth and rifle through Even’s closet for another t-shirt, but then he fell asleep within seconds of climbing into Even’s bed.

He didn’t wake up when Even returned, but at some point in the night Isak’s body found Even’s and curled up against him. Loki added himself to the mix, sticking to the end of the bed but making sure his head was always resting on Isak’s legs. They shifted throughout the night, pulling on the blanket and adjusting pillows, moving away and back. And this was how the pieces of the puzzle fit together.

* * *

“The thing about having an dog is that we’ll always have an alarm now.” Loki had started whining around 11, and once again Even insisted on taking him out. While they were gone, Isak texted his mom to decline her lunch invitation and promise they’d see her soon. She used too many emojis in response. He heard when Even returned and poured kibble into Loki’s food bowl, but was pleasantly surprised when Loki ignored it and bounded right back into bed with him.

“Oh the price we pay for unconditional love.” Even climbed back into bed too, depositing a cold kiss on Isak’s cheek.

“Did you text Marianne?”

“Yes.” Isak waved his phone in front of Even. “I need to talk to whoever taught her about emojis.”

“I’m pretty sure that was you, babe.”

“Oh. Well. We all make mistakes.”

With their new alarm system effectively snoozing, Isak and Even let themselves drift back into that warm place of just feeling sleepy. Their breathing slowed, syncing up and then falling out again, but always steady. Isak watched the colors and shadows on the walls change as the light grew stronger, and this was the only way he let time invade their space. Even’s fingers tapped out a soft, slow song on Isak’s shoulder.

“On our walks I get Loki to tell me his secrets.” Isak turned and looked up at Even. “He told me how much you love me.”

“Oh yeah?”

“Turns out it’s the exact same amount that I love you.”

Some days that love was overwhelming, those waves of emotion that beat down on them until they couldn't see, hear, or breathe anything but each other. Some days that love was silent, letting stress and laughter and doubt and satisfaction steal the spotlight for a bit.

Most days though, that love hovered somewhere in the middle, in a dance in the kitchen, in a debate over whose turn it was to walk Loki, in a trip to Ås for Isak's graduation, in the apartment hunting they did on the weekend when it was time to find their own place.

Their lives were together and apart, peaceful and wild, planned and unexpected. But through it all, that love was still there.

And they knew that was enough.


End file.
